1. Teen Mom Drama

Teen pregnancy is possibly the most taboo and sensational thing that could happen to any high school. In fact, you could even go as far to say that it’s the “mother” of all drama (Lame, I know). Obviously there were no pregnancies at an all boys catholic school, which meant we missed out on so many conversations, like “Who got Amber pregnant?” and “Omg is she going to drop out?” Public high schools seemed so much more fun to go to go. But at the end of the day I’m glad I went to private school because studies have shown that students from private schools are more likely to get into uni and end up making a lot more money. While wife beaters and rapists are nearly all public school educated. Sorry, no offense, but it’s true.

2. Pep Rallies

In public school, there are pep rallies to excite and energize the school in preparation for things like athletic games and charity events. This doesn’t happen in private school. No, in private school you get to have religious masses instead. Because for some reason sitting in a sweaty gym for a half hour waiting for a piece of cardboard to dissolve in your mouth is somehow more beneficial than watching girls do somersaults.


3. Prom

Prom just isn’t as big a deal at an all boy’s Catholic school as it is in public school. No, in public schools there are student committees that actually plan the event and people vote on a prom king and queen and everything is legit as shit. In private school everything is planned for you. All you do is buy a tux and ticket, bribe a girl to go with you and show up at some random hotel where they serve you overcooked chicken. But the worst part is that we didn’t get to have prom royalty, which is such a shame because I wrote so many good prom queen acceptance speeches that will NEVER GET TO BE HEARD.

4. Legitimate Sex Education

In private school the only thing you are taught is abstinence which meant we missed out on the chance to have some pervy gym teacher throw condoms at us and tell us we are all going to get “the clap”. As a result, I know very little about sex or the female anatomy. Well, I guess I know very little about the male anatomy too…


Many parents send their sons to all boys Catholic schools because they think girls distract boys from their studies. Well those parents are fuckers who can’t keep their son’s hormones in check.  Without girls in a class, conversations tend to become lopsided and people don’t get to hear a woman’s perspective on an issue. On a more social note, girls are just more exciting to talk to. I can’t tell you how many lunches where I had to sit through conversations about action movies and sports. I would have preferred to eat lunch with girls and gossip over the hot boy in my Chem class, or talk about how Becky is a slut.

6. Hygiene

There are two things boy love: being immature and farting. Almost every day someone would audibly fart in class because apparently that’s funny. Newsflash boys: IT’S NOT. Bodily functions are the devil’s magic and you should be horribly ashamed of yourself every time you fart or poop. I assume this wasn’t an issue in public school because boys actually had girls to impress there. Either way, farting is gross and I hate it and girls don’t poop and neither do I.

7. The Popular Girls

In public school, there is a social hierarchy. There are Regina Georges. In private school, there aren’t really any popular kids. I mean there are cliques but they aren’t nearly as noticeable as the ones in public schools which is super disappointing because all I’ve ever wanted was to be part of a bitchy group of girls who’ve  made it their sole mission to terrorize the student body. To be honest, boys aren’t as calculating or ambitious as girls. Girls like drama and materialistic things. Boys like food and masturbating. That’s life though, right?