As Told By A Gay Best Friend

1. Act like they’re not upset with you when it’s blatantly obvious that they want to beat you to death with a shovel.

If you have a female friend, you’ve had to deal with the “I’m Fine” and dreaded “K” texts that result from them being pissed at you. For some reason, girls don’t like to tell you when they’re mad at you. Instead, they like making you as uncomfortable as possible as you attempt to figure out what it is that you did to make them so angry at you. I’M YOUR FRIEND JUST BE STRAIGHT UP WITH ME!

 

2. Ask you for your advice and then completely disregard it.

After years of being around girls, I’ve learned that when a girl asks for your opinion what they’re really asking is that you just validate all of their feelings. Girls don’t want you to tell them what you actually think, they want you to tell them that boys suck and that they’re beautiful. Listen betch, don’t ask for my advice if you’re not planning on actually listening to it. I’ll bring my Cosmo level sex advice somewhere else. And if you ask for my opinion, don’t get at mad me when I tell you what you don’t want to hear.

3. Complain about their appearance but do nothing about it.

Girls love to complain about their appearance. They’re either too fat, too skinny, too blonde or too tall. And I’m just standing there like, “I have really bad breath in the morning”. If you don’t like the way you look, do something about it. It’s annoying to have to tell you that you’re “so skinny” every time you complain about how fat you think you are. Don’t fish for compliments and if you can’t change it, don’t complain about it.

4. Make boys their main priority

We all want our friends to be happy, but there’s nothing more annoying than a girl in a relationship. Every time a friend of mine has a boyfriend, she drops off the face of the earth. She makes her whole life all about him and blows off all of her plans so she can spend the night in with him and fuck while watching Antique Roadshow (because that’s what straight couples do right?)

5. Expect you to drop everything when they break up with the previously mentioned boyfriend.

When a girl breaks up her boyfriend, she expects you to be at her side 24/7 to console her. Girl, you’ve been blowing me off for 3 months, what makes you think you can just ask me to drop everything and come over to hear you complain about your problems?  Granted I probably will because I love you, but that’s RUDE. Girls are so exhausting post break up. All they do is talk about how their life is over and how their ex is the anti-Christ. Yo bitch, you dated Kyle for three weeks, I think you’re going to be okay.

6. Complain about how all  the good guys are gay.

Do girls not know how annoying they sound when they say this to their single gay friends? Whether or not a guy sucks is not dependent on his sexual orientation. There are just as many sucky gay guys as there are sucky straight ones. And whenever you say that all of the good guys are gay, it’s like you’re rubbing in the fact that I’m single as fuck. Girl, if all gay guys were great, wouldn’t I be dating one? Also, you just have terrible taste in men.

 

7. TALK NONSTOP

As a gay best friend, I’m used to listening to my friends talk about their life and their problems and for the most part I enjoy it. It’s nice being able to be there for someone. But at the same time, SHUT UP. Not everything revolves around you and your first world problems and don’t take advantage of the fact that I’m willing to listen to you. Friendship is a two way street, so shut the fuck up for 5 seconds and listen to me complain about the last episode of Pretty Little Liars.

8. Menstruate

I know that menstruation is a part of life, but why you gotta be so mean during it? Being on your period doesn’t give you the right to lash out on people and eat all of the snacks in their house. THOSE ARE MY OREOS BITCH, PUT THEM BACK!

9. Pretend to be dumber than they actually are.

For whatever reason some girls pretend to be dumb because they think it’ll make people like them more. If you’re smart, embrace it. Only guys with tiny penises like dumb girls.

 

10. Pretend that they like people they actually hate.

If you don’t like someone, be upfront about it. Don’t badmouth them and then pretend like you’re BFFs 5 minutes later. Why girls gotta hate on each other so much? JUST BE NICE, GODDAMMIT.