Whenever I think about my future memoir, I like to reflect upon my college experience and how who I lived with has shaped my being. To say I’ve had a lot of roommates would be an understatement. I’ve had eight in three years. And despite what you may be thinking, I’m not the roommate from hell. In fact, I’m pretty easy to live with- even if I have a tendency to put things in the wrong cabinets and never close things properly. I digress though..
Notable characteristics: sleep apnea, overactive sweat glands, constant late night craving for buffalo wings
To say we didn’t mesh well would be an understatement. Roommate 1 was a cinder block sized gentleman who enjoyed gangster rap, butt-chugging beer (I can only speculate), late night masturbation and not attending class. I was a passive aggressive, newly out gay kid who occasionally dressed like a mermaid.
I let myself become defeated by the roommate situation. Instead of addressing any problems with him, I simply talked shit about him behind his back and counted down the days until I transferred out of the school. I let him define my college experience and while I am forever grateful to never live with him again I wish I had made a more valiant effort to better my situation.
What I learned from living with #1: There’s no point in sending passive aggressive text messages. Either address your problems head on or don’t complain about them. No one likes a whiny bitch. Also, things will most likely be weird between you and your roommate if he walks into your room and sees you dressed like a mermaid.
Notable characteristics: Egyptian, well-dressed, bidet enthusiast
Now that I’m no longer friends with Roommate #2 (thanks for defriending me, you slut!) I can say he was extremely cute. But like in a hipster way. He always wore tight white tees, black skinny jeans and wore glasses that were totally not LensCrafter approved. He had a tendency to speak his mind (bluntly) and was always good for a joke.
Roommate #2 was my first real window into a world outside of my own. It was nice getting to learn about Egypt and what his life was like back home and what it meant to be a practicing Muslim. It was clear from the beginning though that he wasn’t planning to stay in our crowded triple. As soon as the semester ended, he moved into what was most likely a million dollar apartment. Oh Roommate #2, I miss you. Even if you did heckle our RD for a bidet and wreak of Axe body spray.
What I learned from Roommate #2: Just because you’re new doesn’t mean you have to be an outsider…also, bidets might be practical.
Notable characteristics: Panamanian, guitar player, semi-professional sleeper.
Roommate #3 was also a pretty guy (I know what you are all thinking, but NO I did not crush on all of my roommates). He dressed very similar to #2, but he had short curly hair and a really nice smile. Which I didn’t see very often because he spent 90% of his day siesta-ing. He was a wealthy Panamanian who never really adjusted to college life. He missed home and spend most of his time wandering through Boston aimlessly or wearing a soccer jersey. He didn’t really understand how the system worked… in fact, he left Northeastern after one semester without notifying the school or taking home any of his belongings…including his guitar.
What I learned from Roommate #3: Make college as small as you possibly can or else you’ll be swallowed up by it.
Notable characteristics: Kosher to the extreme, guitarist, New Yorker
Roommate #4 joined me the spring semester of my first year at Northeastern. He had spend his first semester of college in Australia so he was brand new to campus. He was a pretty standard looking guy. He was tall, lanky and felt the need to always be wearing a shirt with some obscure band on it. Despite his inability to control the volume of his voice and his commandeering of our room with his kosher products, Roommate #4 was a good guy. I appreciated that he, like me, was the butt of jokes in his friend group. I wasn’t intimidated by him at all which made communication easy- although it would be difficult to be intimidated by anyone who spent their free time watching Bionicles.
What I learned from Roommate #4: What Sabbath actually is
Notable characteristics: French, action movie enthusiast, girl crazed.
After a month of only having two of us in the triple, Roommate #5 moved in, much to my dismay. He was a friend of Roommate #4 who was invited to switch into our room after struggles with his roommate. Despite being friends, the two were complete opposites. While Roommate #4 was polite for the most part, Roommate $5 was crass, juvenile and a prank puller. He lovingly made Roommate #4’s life a living hell. He also could not comprehend how gay I am because one time when I had a girl sleepover he asked if I wanted him to leave the room so I could get it in. He also once punched his drug dealer friend in the face and stole his weed, so there’s that.
He was a hip hop dancer though with an interest in law, which made him at least somewhat multifaceted. But the fact that he spent his free time tweeting at porn stars he wanted to bone still makes me question his existence.
What I learned from Roommate #5: How porn stars tweet.
Notable characteristics: Potential poltergeist, lover of Eggplants, internet folklore
Roommate #6 may be packaged as a tiny Vietnamese girl, but she is so much more than that. She’s elusive, bewildering and entertaining as all hell. I will never say I understand a single thing that she does- like buying human sized Christmas stockings, eating things well beyond their expiration date and wearing horse masks, but I’ll support it!
Despite her quirks, Roommate #6 was an easy communicator and easy to talk to. Towards the end of the semester she spent all of her free time with her boyfriend (curse you, monogamy). Her presence was still felt though- and by presence I meant our apartment was still buried under all of her online internet purchases. I don’t see her that often now but I still love her! And the fact that she gave me an open box of Nature Valley Bars as my birthday present.
What I learned from Roommate #6: Commit to being yourself 100%….also, white people have and do really dumb things (like purchase Dixie cups and throw out things that aren’t truly expired)
Notable characteristics: Label whore, Mama bear, cheekbones, potential IBS sufferer.
Roommate #7 is a lot like Kate Moss in the sense that if you saw him in person you’d probably tell him to eat a sandwich. He’s imposingly tall, impossibly thin and his fashion sense is something not even Anna Wintour would roll her eyes at. I’ve known Roommate #7 for far too long. We’ve become some sort of codependent parasitic gay monster. He is responsible for clothing me and keeping me fed and I act as a buffer to keep him from committing murder or other heinous crimes. His favorite activities include eating Popeyes despite its bowel rupturing properties, binge watching TV shows for 95 hours at a time and buying clothes that cost more than minor surgical procedures.
Most people are afraid of Roommate #7 and most of them are right to be. He’s a little crazy ( a lot) but a surprising softie. He may own way too many thing and be subject to manic episodes, but who isn’t. He’s also the type to pick up a package for you or run an errand for you, solely because he wants to help. He’s the best neglectful, menopausal mother I could ask for! And I mean we still live together so there’s that!
What I learned from Roommate #7: how to cook & iron clothes, what it’s like to be on the brink of insanity
Notable characteristics: Mikuru Beam, California, Pokemon
Roommate #8 is someone I’ve known for a while but didn’t really become close with until this year. We share a mutual love of Drop Dead Diva, Pokemon and talking shit about other people. He’s only slightly more competent than I am when it comes to things like dressing, but he’s a lazy fuck as well. He also LOVES California- make sure to ask him all about it next time you see him. He’ll tell you ALL about it.
Roommate #8, like my good friend #7, owns WAY TOO MANY THINGS! In fact, our apartment has an entire closet dedicated to his drag queen persona Mikuru Beam. He also loves Instagram a little too much, but his Instagram account is way more on point than mine so who am I to judge. His most redeemable quality- he’s committed to hating every person on this planet.
What I learned from Roommate #8: type advantages in Pokemon, drag makeup, clever ways to kill people.
Roommate #8 has requested that I include roommate #9 in this list.
Notable characteristics: Purple… Pillow pet.
What I learned from Roommate #9: Gay people don’t make good roommates.
Well, this has inspired me… I should reflect upon my previous housemates…. and the bunch of bitches they all turned out to be…!!