A Series of Unfortunate Dates

I’ve dated three people in total. And by dated I mean, “I’ve eaten food in the vicinity of a gentleman who was of the homosexual persuasion at least once”. It’s also important to say that every date was the result of some form of online dating, whether it be Ok Cupid or Tinder, because I apparently have no luck landing a man outside of the virtual world.

To be respectful, I will not use any real names in this article. I will just describe all of these people intimately (which may be even more invasive). My first date was with a gentleman who had an unpronounceable name. Gentleman #1 was a nice guy. And by nice, I mean nonthreatening- because if you play Quidditch you’re incapable of being sexually intimidating. He was a film student at a nearby school who loved Quentin Tarantino, obscure nightmare music (read: German metal) and getting philosophical about bad TV shows.  It’s also important to say that he looked like a bulldog. And I know that’s a mean thing to say but it’s painfully true…besides, he defriended me so it’s not like he’ll read this.

For our first date we ended up going to see Zero Dark Thirty…because nothing screams romance more than the killing of Osama Bin Laden. Following the date we walked around and chatted for a bit before it was time for me to head back to school. What resulted was an extremely awkward standoff in which he stared intensely in my eyes while I waited to see if he would make a move. And after three minutes of incredible awkwardness, I decided to act: I turned to him, said “Well this is awkward”, gave him a pat on the back, and got the FUCK out of there.

The next day my friend convinced me to text him and say I had a good time. He immediately responded by asking me out on another date. And because I’m incapable of telling people no I agreed. Twenty minutes before the date I realized I had no interest in actually seeing Gentleman #1. But as I am a woman of my word I decided to go. But because I am also a ball-busting bitch, I also asked my friend to “bump into us” so that I wouldn’t be stuck with him for two long. After an hour of the three of us awkwardly conversing in Starbucks, I made up an excuse as to why the date needed to end and sent him on his way. About a week later he asked me if I was free on Valentine’s Day. I said “no” and that was pretty much the end of that. A few weeks later I noticed that he had defriended me, but it was all good in the hood because I was more interested in women than I was in him.

Date #2 happened a month or so after the great bulldog fiasco. This time around I met up with a Tinder match…because it was the trendy thing to do. Gentleman#2 was much cuter than Gentleman #1  in a Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater kind of way. And by that what I mean to say is that I’m 90% sure my date was on drugs when we were together. What was supposed to be a real date turned into us hanging around in a food court for an hour or so before he bailed on me for a concert. Despite some level of physical attraction, we couldn’t have been more opposite. I was clean cut, fem as fuck, and against the  over-consumption of the cannabis and he was an overactive, party obsessed skater who occasionally foamed at the mouth. He was also a bisexual who had never dated a boy, which made me wonder if he was fully comfortable with dating guys.

Immediately following the date I received a text from him saying that he had a great time and hoped to meet up again soon. And while I didn’t think we were the most compatible, he was cute enough for me to want to bone so I agreed. A few days later I texted him to see how he was doing and he became extremely unresponsive. At one point he stopped responding altogether. And to say I was annoyed would be an understatement. I became that annoying person obsessed over being ignored, even if it was by someone I had little interest in. I couldn’t wrap my head around why he pulled away so I did my best to try to win back his attention but with no avail. After about a week of little response I finally decided to give up, binge eat Ben and Jerry’s and move on with my life. We’re still friends on Facebook though and he watches my stories on Snapchat so he can SUCK MY ASS.

My third date was with my current boyfriend. I guess it must have been good enough.

 

4 comments

  1. Quick character assessment of the author. Given her APPALLING ENGLISH, she must be from the USA – Not America. That’s a continent that includes beautiful countries like Paraguay, Canada, Chile, and lots more. All the shit gets stored in the middle – that’s the USA: Uneducated, Stupid Arseholes. Buy no matter, that’s high grade geography in the USA. No doubt she’s one the 90% of inbreeds who don’t even possess a passport!

    I’m also guessing that she’s fat, unattractive, and a misandrist (get off your lard-arse and look it up). As thepoison-dwarf says herself: “I finally decided to give up, binge eat Ben and Jerry’s”. Clearly, the closest to sex she’d ever been is to rub herself up against the fridge whilst necking an entire tub of ice-cream. Hey, retard! There’s a world outside the USA – although no-one there is going to fancy you either.

    “Have a nice day!”

    😉

    Like

    • For a moment I considered actually crafting a response to this article but after rereading your comment I decided not to. I will say that I’m a man which means that your entire comment is pretty much invalid.

      Like

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