The Definitive Ranking of DCOM Halloween Movies

11.  Return to Halloweentown

How dare Disney replace the incomparable Kimberly J. Brown with that cheap mermaid whore Sara Paxton! Casting issues aside, this movie is just not a fun entry in the Halloweentown series. The added characters are uninteresting, the plot is a convoluted, cheap knockoff of Harry Potter and the characters you like are barely present in it. Grandma Aggie is only in one scene which is a SIN and Sophie isn’t even in it! BLASPHEMY!

10.  Halloweentown High

For starters, this movie doesn’t take place in fucking Halloweentown! No, instead of giving us Benny the cab driver and some sinister warlock villain, Halloweentown High gave us a weird plot about knights and ethnic cleansing. Like  Return to Halloweentown, tries way too hard to be a social commentary/legitimate film which just isn’t how DCOMs work . The only good thing about the film is how much Grandma Aggie is in. And let’s not forget Sophie only appears in one scene- but that’s  because the actress who plays her did not age well.

9. The Scream Team

I’m extremely biased when it comes to this movie- mostly because I loathe Kat Dennings and hate anything having to do with colonial times. Despite Denning’s atrociousness, The Scream Team has a good cast, with Kathy Najimy and Eric Idle and that dude who voiced the dad on Proud Family. Unfortunately, that isn’t enough to save the movie from shitty kid acting and the boredom of a villain named Zachariah.

8.  Twitches Too

Twitches Too isn’t a bad movie. Its just not nearly as fun as the first film. I don’t really remember anything that happens in this movie. All I know is that “Twin witches, twitches!” is a fun thing to say and Tia and Tamera are beyond flawless!

7. Halloweentown 2: Kalabar’s Revenge

Halloweentown 2 is good for several reasons, most of them being that Kal is hot as fuck. Well at least 8 year old me thought he was. Beyond that, this movie is a lot darker than its predecessor. It’s like how everyone loved how cute Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone was and then how terrified people were after the spider scene in Chamber of Secrets. So yes, it’s darker and not as whimsical, but at the very least “ATRAPA” is fun to say.

6. Don’t Look Under The Bed

Don’t Look Under The Bed gets such a high rating because it is one of the most terrifying movies in existence. In fact, it is so terrifying that Disney no longer plays it. The scene when Larry becomes a boogeyman is horrifying and I remember having nightmares over Francis’ dreams about the boogeyman. In fact, that boogey bitch could be her own season of American Horror Story. I hope you’re taking notes, Murphy.

5.) Under Wraps

Released in 1997, Under Wraps is a DCOM most likely unfamiliar to most high school and early college students. But that doesn’t mean it’s not the tits. For starters, the story of kids befriending a sweet Mummy is adorable. And this movie introduced me to the song “All By Myself” which I lip synced to as a drag queen so it has some sentimental value. I don’t really remember much of the film but it didn’t have Kat Dennings or Sara Paxton so it has to be better than some of the other films on this list.

4. Twitches

Twin Witches= Twitches! Twitches is a great DCOM movie. Its funny, well cast and based on a book series no one ever read. The movie balances humor and action quite well and the special effects are not too shabby for a TV movie. But really this movie gets a high spot solely because of the goddess Mowry twins.

3. Mom’s Got A Date With A Vampire

Who doesn’t love this movie? It’s got Aunt Hilda from Sabrina the Teenage Witch for christ’s sake! The film is fun, a bit scary, and has Craig from Degrassi who was my crush from 2003-2007. Really, that’s the only reasons I have for this film being so high on the list and I’m okay with that.

2. Phantom of the Megaplex

Phantom of the Megaplex is one of the best Halloween, if not best DCOM movies in existence! Its fun, campy, full of mysterious and starring the wonderful Mickey Rooney. I remember the excitement that came with watching the film for the first time and trying to figure out myself who the Phantom of the Megaplex is. With a fun cast, hijinks, and a cameo from the girl who made out with a hot dog from Mean Girls, this movie is perfect!

1. Halloweentown

When I think of DCOM Halloween movies, I immediately think of Halloweentown. It’s a staple in every 90 kids childhood. With its messages of tolerance and embracing who you are, Halloweentown is pretty deep for a kid’s movie. The film introduced us to Aggie, a woman we wished was our grandmother and Marnie, a girl we can all relate to.  And let’s not forget how terrifying Kalabar is! While the special effects in the film may be laughable in comparison to today’s standards, the film is fresh and exciting every time you watch it.

3 comments

  1. I just finished reading this and noticed that you said Jake Epstein (aka Craig from Degrassi) is in the mom’s got a date with a vampire movie and I about jumped for joy. Degrassi’s one of my all-time favorite television shows (actually, it probably is because i’m obsessed with it). but i just thought i’d share that i love this post and wish i would have seen it before now because you made me excited to relive my favorite childhood flicks. thank you!

    Like

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