Let’s face it; being “out” has never been more in. Gay men are slowly taking the world and it’s only a matter of time until they enslave the heterosexual male race and use them as human coasters. Their win is inevitable, so if you can’t beat them, join them. Here are 8 Foolproof Ways To Convince People You’re Gay. Hopefully it’ll come in handy when the enslavement begins. Before we begin, however, it is important to note that this article is *satirical*. So if you become offended or think about criticizing it, you should probably spend that time doing something more productive- like fisting yourself.
1.) Say “YAAAS”, “Slayyy” or “Werk” as much as possible
It’s common knowledge that gay people are nonsensical catchphrase loving demon spawns. If you want people to think you’re one, just start saying gay phrases, and remember the more out of context the better. Interacting with a gay man is a lot like staring into the sun- beautifully overwhelming. So commit to the catchphrase, regardless of how out of place it seems, and if you can, add a finger wag.
2.) Commit to being overly stylish or pledge brand loyalty
Not all straight men who dress well are mistaken for gay, it just so happens that 90% of them are. The more money you spend on clothes and the more exclusive brands you own, the more gay you appear to be. And if you’re poor, like me, just spend all of your money on tight V-necks or reference obscure fashion houses. But remember the cardinal rule- don’t EVER wear light wash jeans.
3.) Talk nonstop about your diet or fitness habits
If you truly want people to think you’re gay you need to make the ultimate sacrifice- eliminating carbs from your diet indefinitely. Homosexual bodies aren’t programmed to break down carbs, which is why you never see them eating bread. It’s also important to talk about how much cardio you do or whatever new diet you’re trying. If your body isn’t your number one priority, you are not doing gay right.
4.) Have strong feelings about at least one female pop star
Gay men love to argue over which pop star reigns supreme. It doesn’t matter who you choose to defend to the death (bonus points if it’s Gaga, Madonna, or Brittney). Remember that gay men, much like women, love to argue over everything. So if you don’t seem unreasonably passionate about the trivial topic at hand you may end up looking like a straight man.
5.) Read bitches whenever possible
If you want someone to think you’re gay, you have to learn how to think on your feet and insult at a moment’s notice. No comment is too snide or superficial and no person is off the hook. It’s common knowledge that gay people know how to insult people more creatively than straights, and while we’re at- learn how to cackle. Straight men don’t cackle, but the gays most certainly do.
- Have the following response to the word “vagina”
- Quote Mean Girls 24/7
Tina Fey pays us homosexuals a lot of money to reference this classic 2004 film, so you better act the part and quote it too! And if you truly want to seem more homo, pick the most obscure quotes possible. Here’s a few I have handy: “it’s like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs”, “Regina seems sweet” or whatever Nfume says at the opening of the movie.
- Hate Lesbians
They’re our natural enemy, remember? Nothing brings straight women and gay men closer together than hatred for people who understand how appliances work.