The Definitive Ranking of 2015 Hit Summer Songs

12. “Cheerleader”-OMI

I’m aware that some people like this song, I’m also aware that some people just have shit taste in music.  “Cheerleader” is reggae heteronormative hipster nonsense and I weep for all of the poor middle schoolers who have had to endure the endless grinding this song has no doubt brought upon them. If you want to listen to a good Felix Jaehn remix, listen to “Ain’t Nobody” instead.

11. “Watch Me Whip”-Silento

This song is essentially the “Crank That (Soulja Boy)” of 2015; my hope is that it will only remain relevant for as long as that song did.

10. “Good For You”- Selena Gomez Ft. A$AP Rocky

Selena Gomez is a beautiful creature, but girl sounds like she’s taking a bath or just got hit by three tranquilizers every time she attempts to sing. “Good for You” has the potential to be a decent song in the sense that the beat is adequate; unfortunately, the song lacks lyrical substance and becomes incredibly repetitive. Like Selena, I’m glad you got the Midas touch and embrace passive womanhood, but this song is just a no go for me.

9. “Where R U Now”- Skrillex/Diplo/Justin Bieber

I should like this song more than I actually do; “Where Are U Now” has a great beat and its singlehandedly responsible for bringing the irresistibly hunky/douchey J-Biebs back into the limelight. With that being said, the lyrics are just a bit too abstract and Illuminati like for my taste, and it’s kind of an incoherent jumble of a song.

8. “Bad Blood”- Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar

I hate this song for several reasons. For starters, it sounds like something I would have written in third grade during my faux emo phase, and secondly, it provided Lena Dunham with yet another opportunity to appear on screen and promote her socialist agenda. “Bad Blood” is a poorly written/poorly constructed mess and not even Kendrick Lamar or a Mariska Hargitay cameo can save this hot garbage. It may be catchy, but that’s only because it has the most simplistic lyrics since any Britney Spears song.

7.  “Fight Song”-Rachel Platten

Up until a week ago I was completely convinced that Taylor Swift sang this nonsense. “Fight Song” is the girl anthem for fuckers who can’t get on the Kelly Clarkson train because they have an issue with her weight; it’s a fun song with no substance. It’s a shittier version of “Stronger” (Britney or Kelly version) and it doesn’t help that the song was written by some unknown girl that probably worked at a Starbucks before getting a pseudo record deal.

6. “Honey, I’m Good”-Andy Grammer

Andy Grammer is like the white Jason Derulo; people enjoy his music but don’t really give a shit about him. “Honey I’m Good” is infectious and incredibly catchy, which means that it has already been played to death on the radio. My bet is that in less than a week  people will choose to throw themselves out of their moving vehicles rather than listen to it again.

5. “Shut Up and Dance”-WALK THE MOON

Don’t lie; you’re still not entirely convinced that this isn’t a One Direction song. “Shut Up and Dance” is the standard for summer pop music; it’s fun, easy to dance to, and the lyrics are basic enough that incredibly drunk girls can still follow along to it. Will this song be remembered five years from now? Probably not, it isn’t MMMBop. It’ll do for summer 2015 though.

4. “Lean On”- Major Lazer

“Lean On” is this year’s “I Love It” AKA the EDM jam of the summer.  The song is the closest basic white girls will get to club drugs, and it’s a good song to sweat it out to in Zumba so I’m a fan.

3. “Can’t Feel My Face”- The Weeknd

Despite having some issue with vowels, The Weeknd sure can write a good song!  The song is well crafted, catchy without being simplistic, and has made snapping sexy again. It’s the rare kind of song that you can sing along to on the radio without feeling like a lame douche, which is important for the lame douches of the world like me. Summer 2014 belonged to Ariana Grande, but summer 2015 belongs to the Weeknd.

2. “Sparks”- Hilary Duff

“Sparks” is the pop song we all need but don’t deserve. Hilary Duff is a goddess and a damn songstress, and this song is single-handedly responsible for getting gay marriage legalized across the country. It is vastly underrated, highly under appreciated, and musically superior to most of the garbage on the radio. Also, Tinder.

  1. “Cool For the Summer”-Demi Lovato

Apart from the bi-erasure, “Cool For The Summer” is the sexiest, steamiest, and danciest song of the season. It is perfect for any occasion: gym visits, barbecues, bonfires, late night trysts, etc.  The song almost makes me forget that Demi is a spokesperson for Skechers!

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