1.) Build a gingerbread house community to explain to local children how redlining and uppity white people contribute to the horrific process of gentrification.
Alright kids, here is a great city with a strong community, history, and culture. Let’s fuckin’ ruin that now by adding a Pinkberry and pushing out all the gingerbread people of color!
2.) Share with friends and family the holiday music of David Hasselhoff.
3.) Test whether or not Starbucks has really taken the Christ out of Christmas by throwing large hot coffees at nonbelievers in an attempt to determine if they burn more horrifically than a good Christian would.
First you start making us say “Happy Holidays”, and now you expect us to drink coffee out of a cup that isn’t covered in tacky holiday imagery that has absolutely nothing to do with Christianity or Jesus? *Throws hot coffee* BURN TIMMY, BURNNNNNNNN!!!!!!
4.) Make a gender nonconforming Snowperson.
Why it got to be snowman? Why can’t it be a snowwomyn or snowperson! Get out of here with your gender binary bullshit!
5.) Buy an advent calendar, immediately eat the candy, and justify that behavior with the classic “TIME IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT” argument.
I don’t care if it’s only December 1st. I’m eating everything NOW.
6.) Try Christmas Carol style bondage- the more chains the better!
Instead of moaning , or shouting “Yeah fuck me” during sex, just scream “BAH HUMBUG” repeatedly.
7.) Go skating on a poop lagoon!
An activity combining America’s two favorite things: recreational sports and feces.
8.) Learn what Kwanzaa is, you ignorant fuck!
If this seems too difficult just try to learn how to spell Hanukkah, or like find out why it’s sometimes spelled with a “c”.
9.) Fantasize about what Jesus must have looked like as a teenager.
I imagine that he had light scruff, and was kind of effeminate, but he was a carpenter, so like he was probably good with wood? Is it bad for me to make gay jokes about Jesus?
10.) Go muff shopping.
Muff is so both underused and unappreciated! Newsflash people, you don’t have to be an eighty year old WASP of a woman to wear the finer things in life. Buy the muff, embrace the muff, be the muff.