The 16 Most Important New Years Resolutions For 2016

 

1.) Solve more murder mysteries and riddles.

Now that we’ve caught Robert Durst the next step is cracking the code on DJ Khaled’s Snapchats. The secrets of the universe are somehow hidden in his Jet Ski.

2.) Eliminate the following words from your vocabulary: “Bae”, “squad”, “goals”, & “basic”

Listen up girls and out of touch gays, the above words are no longer funny or relevant; if and when you use them you will not be seen as cute or quirky; you will be seen as walking clickbait garbage. But if you were wondering, “YAAAAS” is still perfectly acceptable to use.

3.) Refrain from making “get in shape” one of your resolutions.

Saying you’re going to get in shape in the new year is basically the same thing as saying your diet starts tomorrow. If you know that you won’t be able to actually commit to exercising do us all a favor and skip the gym. God knows it’s too crowded already.

4.)Avoid going to Africa or a third world country and taking a photo with a local kid just to get likes on Insta.

If you go to a third world country and don’t take a picture with all of the local children did you really even participate in voluntourism?

5.) Stop spouting ignorance on the following topics: trans issues, gender inequity, and racism.

 

Being ignorant is unacceptable in 2016; if you can find a step by step tutorial on how to dispose of a dead body on the Internet then you sure as Hell can find resources to help you better understand and empathize with people who are different from you. And remember kids- being offensive is not the same as being funny. Chances are whatever moronic joke you’ve been telling your Ed Hardy wearing friends was already told by another moron, so regurgitating it will only make you seem less original and twice as dumb.

6.) Boycott the following things: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, the Dirty Dancing remake starring Abigail Breslin, Donald Trump, and kombucha.

America, we can do better. We have to.

7.) Send Betty White, Julie Andrews, Debbie Reynolds, Angela Lansbury, and Judi Dench fanmail.

All of these women are at least 80 years old, so send them love while you still can! Or like spend time with your actual grandmothers, either one is fine.

8.) Unfriend each and every person on Facebook who has ever made a status about how they’re “such a good person”, “mistreated”, or anything similar to that.

Fun fact: the people who constantly call themselves “good” or “nice” are generally the least likely to actually be those things (see: every single boy who believes in the ‘friend zone’) Don’t think twice about deleting the fuck out of them. No one, and I mean NO ONE, feels bad for you you humble bragging, faux low confidence having mouth breather.

9.) Use more gender neutral insults

People, there are ways to be mean without perpetuating sexist structures and ideologies! Instead of calling your female friend “bitch” and your male friend “asshole” try to use words that are more clever and less gender specific like “reptile”, “pillow face”, “lamp shade”, “shit sack” and the always funny “ass hat.”

10.) Eat McDonalds breakfast menu as often as possible.

We won this power through the power of democracy and “supply and demand”, so we better all eat the damn hot cakes!

11.) Learn a new skill like knitting or cunnilingus!

Some skills are more useful than others.

12.) Instagram about food less.

Baby, you ain’t no Julia Child, so don’t upload a pic of your hamburger helping monstrosity meal you made for your significant other to social media.

13.) Invest money somehow and/or find out what a 401K is.

SOCIAL SECURITY IS DRYING UP, PEOPLE! SAVE MONEY NOW OR YOU’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO RETIRE IN BOCA RATON!!!!!

14.) Learn about what goes on in any other country beside the USA.

What is this “Siri Crisis” I’ve heard about? Do people not have access to iPhones in the Middle East? The injustice!

15.) Engage in more spontaneous dance parties.

People are too uptight and grumpy these days. Maybe if we all danced to Hoku’s hit classic “Perfect Day” more often we wouldn’t all be such assholes.

16.) Cut back on Clickbait.

Oh the tears oh joy I will shed the day I feel I can stop writing this garbage and still get views!

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