1.) The guy who hasn’t updated his Facebook profile pic since 2014.
What are you hiding, Greg?!
2.) The friend who always leaves a 10% tip.
Here’s a thought: If you don’t have enough money to leave your waiter a decent tip, maybe you should just stay home and eat cereal, you cheap motherfucker.
3.) The girl who considers Caesar salad to be a legitimate salad.
Caesar salad is basically a piece of garlic bread on top of a bed of water leaves.
4.) The friend who says “LOL” at the end of text messages that clearly aren’t meant to be funny.
What he said: “Hey you left the kitchen a mess and that’s super disrespectful lol”
What he really meant: “You’re a fucking human dumpster. Start respecting shared space or I swear to God I will smother you to death in your sleep.”
5.) The guy voting for Donald Trump for “fiscal reasons”
Oh by “fiscal reasons” do you mean “racist reasons”?
6.) The girl who you’ve never seen at the gym, but who is always wearing Lululemon.
I know you didn’t go to the gym, Carol. You’re just wearing yoga pants to look like you did the exercise necessary to justify eating that box of cupcakes at 11 am.
7.) The guy who wears tighty-whities
You know who wore tighty-whities? JOHN WAYNE GACY JR!
8.) The girl who pours the milk first and cereal second.
You know who did this? JOHN WAYNE GACY JR!
9.) The guy who just doesn’t “get” Beyoncé
It’s okay to not like Queen Bey’s music, and it’s okay to think celebrity culture is gross and overrated. But if you think Beyoncé is anything less than the BEST pop performer of the past decade, you’re wrong.
10.) The girl who always ditches you at the bar for some guy.
Okay great, I’m just going to awkwardly stand here in the corner and throw back tequila shots until I’m drunk enough to think this isn’t the worst place on Earth.
11.) The guy whose dating profile says “Sorry not into X guys. Just a preference.”
“Sorry not into racist guys. Just a preference.”
12.) The friend who won’t respond to your text message but will update her Snapchat, Instagram, and Twitter before messaging you to say they “didn’t see your message.”
Oh right, just like how I didn’t “see” me bludgeon you to death with a baseball bat, right?
13.) The friend who uses being drunk as an excuse to vent his frustrations or try to start drama for no good reason.
14.) The friend who’s “too poor” to go out, but not poor enough to spend $15 dollars on takeout every night.
If you can afford Chipotle every night you can afford to be my friend.
15.) The girl who says “I love movies” on her dating profile.
Do you also love eating, breathing, and just existing?
Anyone who hawks loogies, doesn’t recycle, man-spreads on the subway, victim blames and/or slut shames, or thinks Adam Sandler movies post-2002 are good.
Y’ALL A BUNCH OF SNAKES!!!! #HISSSSSSSSS