It’s hard enough going to a school, where the majority of guys play the ukulele  OR (play the ukulele) and prefer kissing boys. Luckily, Boston is the Collegiate-Cesspool of America, so finding a gentleman caller is not too difficult– NOT. You could make the argument that I shouldn’t be so picky on the romance front, since guys aren’t exactly lining up at my doorstep. You could also argue that sending a Snapchat of your doughy penis should be a criminal offense.

So, I hereby declare I cannot date a guy who: 

1. Takes mirror pictures.

2. Considers “freshening up” coating their body with AXE. Bom-Chicka-Nope-Nope.

3. Is rude to their parents, waiters, taxi drivers, and roommates.

4. Wears cargo shorts.

5. Doesn’t have a Facebook. (What are you hiding? Are you even real?)

6. Takes pictures of their meals.

7. Relies on ESPN, BuzzFeed, and/or Yahoo! for the news.

8. Has never seen a Woody Allen film. (Only seeing Midnight in Paris does not count).

9. Did not cry at the end of Toy Story 3. (Again, are you even real?)

10. Watches Anime porn.

11. “Doesn’t get” gun control.

12. Unironically says “Thanks Obama.”

13. Wears white socks with New Balance-Dad sneakers. (Thank you, Ryan Gosling)

14. Has a flair for tap dancing.

15. Practices Jedi Moves in their parent’s basement.

16. Has a “Slut Lover” tattoo.

17. Put “girls” in their interests tab on Facebook. 

18. Still collects The Boxcar Children books.

19. Owns a rat, a mouse, or a hamster. Any rodent will put me in a paralyzing shock.

20. Says “It’s true, I read it on Tumblr.”

21. Their profile picture is of them at a “Foam Party.” 

22. Hasn’t read a book since the seventh Harry Potter.

23. “Doesn’t get” Human Rights.

24. Their homepage is Porn Hub

25. Can’t quote Step Brothers or Wayne’s World.  

26. Gets Emma Watson and Emma Stone confused.

27. Cancelled a date to go to a Pokemon tournament.

28. Spends their free time on Chatroulette.

29. Compares humans to video game characters.

30. Their wardrobe came from Newbury Comics.