The 7 People You Have To Deal With At Thanksgiving

1. The Overeager Aunt

We all have that one delusional family member who thinks we’re all seated at the Thanksgiving table because we enjoy each other’s company and not solely because we just want to stuff our face with mashed potatoes. Usually this person is one of our aunts who is entirely out of the loop and thinks we’re still the same person we were when we were five. She spends dinner actively trying to engage you in conversation about things that are now irrelevant to your life. What’s worse is that she spends the entire dinner asking you if you remember things you clearly couldn’t remember. No Auntie, I don’t remember that time I sat on your lap when I was a baby. BECAUSE I WAS 1.

2. The Black Sheep

This is the person at the Thanksgiving table who probably shouldn’t be there, but is there anyways. This could be a significant other of someone at the table, a friend or a neighbor. Either way this person just don’t really fit the group dynamic. They’re either too loud, too quiet or too awkward. Newsflash, don’t bring a significant other to Thanksgiving unless they’ve already proposed to you or gotten you pregnant- unless you want them to run out on you as soon as dinner is over.

3. The Unwelcome Relative

This is the person at the table who everyone hates. He’s the guy who spends the whole dinner talking about himself or his great accomplishments. He’s rude, abrasive and makes everyone at the table irritated and uncomfortable. And it doesn’t help that he’s extremely greedy with his portions. DON’T EAT ALL THE STUFFING, BITCH.

 

4. The Person Who Doesn’t Want To Be There

I relate to this person well. This person would rather watch the direct to dvd sequel of Pocahontas than be at the Thanksgiving table. And he or she usually makes this quite clear. They spend dinner completely engrossed in eating their food so that they can finish as quickly as possible and get the fuck out of there. Because no amount of stuffing is worth having to interact with other humans.

5. The Mother or Grandmother That Just Wants Everyone to Act Like a Family For Once In Their Life

Sorry for the specificity in this one. This person, usually a mother or grandmother, is the one who is most invested in Thanksgiving dinner. She is the one who does the majority of the cooking and preparation for the dinner and she loves any opportunity that brings the family together. And as a result, she gets very upset when she sees people bicker at the table… because she did not waste 4 hours cooking a 20 pound Turkey just for a bunch of ungrateful fuckers to ruin her day.

6.) The Teacher

Usually this person is one of the grandparents, in my case, a grandfather. He spends the whole dinner talking about his exploits during World War II and how life is much different now than it was during McCarthyism. He usually never stops talking or offering sage advice on how to live your life, but after about 5 minutes everyone tunes him out so it doesn’t really matter. Wow Grandpa, you served in WWII? Tell me more, this story gets better every time you tell it…

7. The Troublemaker

There’s always one person at Thanksgiving dinner who livens up the party with their off color jokes and inappropriate comments. In most families this role is generally filled by a brother or a sister. He or she spends the entire dinner testing the limits of their audience, making joke after inappropriate joke because he or she is bored and finds entertainment in pissing off your parents or grandparents. This person loves to bring up embarrassing stories or family secrets at the table just to see if a fight will ensue. Because they be an Olly Murs Troublemaking Mothafucka.

 8. The Drunk

This is the person who starts drinking the moment he or she shows up at the house. But you can’t blame them- we all deal with Thanksgiving in our own special way.

 

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