6 Reasons Thanksgiving Is The Worst

1. You’re forced to spend the entire day with your family.

You know, I don’t know why people hate on Jack Nicholson’s character from the Shining. I would do the same thing if I was trapped in a house with my family for more than 24 hours. Thanksgiving is just that. It’s like a never ending vortex of hell with no escape as you’re forced to interact with the people you love the most but can stand the least: you’re nosey mother, manic sister, loud brother and embarrassing father.


2. It makes no sense

In what way does the decimation of natives relate to themes of family togetherness? Thanksgiving literally makes no sense as a holiday. It’s only purpose is to serve as a day where you sit around with your family and eat dinner-except this dinner is somehow more significant because you are  eating a bird with balls hanging from its chin.

3. You have to play nice with all of the relatives you can’t stand.

In many households, Thanksgiving is a holiday that involves more than just your immediate family. This means you have to interact with the people who are less likely to tolerate your bullshit. You’re forced to interact with your racist grandfather, idiot cousin and drunk uncle and what’s worse is that you have to pretend you like them- because your mother threatened to stop paying your phone bill otherwise.

4. The food isn’t even that good (depending on the skill level of the cook)

When asked why they like Thanksgiving, most people say that they love it for the wide array of food present. But if you come from a household with a cook that can’t even boil water properly, you don’t get this same pleasure. Thanksgiving dinner ends up being an array of bland meats, lukewarm side dishes and Costco brand pies. And if you’re going to be forced to interact with people that make you want to gouge your eyes out, you need good food to calm your manic urges.


5. There’s nothing to do after dinner.

As Thanksgiving circles entirely around dinner, once the meal ends there is nothing left to do. While some families may have invented family games and activities to combat this issue, others are forced to just sit around in a circle and engage in awkward small talk. At least during dinner I could avoid talking to the people I hate by stuffing my face full of mashed potatoes. Here’s to hoping your family lets you drink at the dinner table…God knows you need alcohol to get through this part.


6. You’re forced to relive the holiday over and over

In my household, Thanksgiving dinner never ends. My mother puts all of the leftovers in the fridge or makes a godawful soup out of the Turkey remains and forces us to eat it because there are starving children in Africa. Getting through the actual holiday was stressful enough as is, I don’t need a constant reminder of it every time I open the fridge and see 7 tupperware containers of stuffing.


      1. I’m from ‘Straya, mate!!

        And for those of you who think that might be some kind of European country, it’s not. It’s Aussie slang for Australia a.k.a. The Arse End of the World.


      2. I saw that we had some views from Australia so I figured that’s where you were from! I’d love to go to Australia if it wasn’t at the end of the world and incredibly expensive to get to. You have so many great things like the TV show H20:just add water and kangaroos


      3. Wow. H20. Isn’t that just an absolute GEM of a show. Yes, that’s pretty much all we’re capable of producing, whilst you guys have EVERY OTHER TV SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF IMAGINATION!! Wonderful family-time dramas like Swamp Wranglers and Gator Catchers or whatever the fuck they’re called. I just love that there needs to be 3 or 4 iterations of the exact same show concept. Gold!!

        We did give Britain shows like Prisoner, Neighbours and Home & Away, but they don’t really count, I guess.

        We also have koalas. And every other most deadly poisonous creature in the world. They all live here. So yeah, come and visit our beautiful (read: DEADLY) country sometime.


      4. SWAMP WRANGLERS ❤ I hope that's actually a show. You also have Summer Heights High and Outback Steakhouse even though that restaurant chain actually started in Miami Florida. Your read of American television is entirely accurate. Don't you just squish the deadly creatures with your Ugg boots? Or are Americans the only ones who actually wear those?e Also koalas are bitches.


      5. We’ve just finished airing Ja’mie: Private School Girl here which was fantastic, so def. keep an eye out for that. I’ll then be looking forward to a post along the lines of ‘5 Hollywood Bitches that are so keesh (quiche? queesh?)’
        Well, yes, after screaming hysterically at the sight of any spider, I usually try to trample the shit out of them like some kind of manic elephant stomping display. Not in ugg boots though, they may be ‘Australian’ but they’re actually quite expensive. Everybody else just wears the cheap chinese sweat-shop ones that are 1/16th the price. Sweatshops, y’know. They need the tiny hands of children in order to get the ‘UGG’ embroidery just right.

        As for koalas, yeah, they can be bitches. Yes, they’re cute and fuzzy, but I mean come on, ALL YOU FUCKING DO IS SLEEP!! WHERE’S YOUR CONTRIBUTION TO SOCIETY?!?!


      6. Wait you’re so funny I can’t even deal. LOL to all of those chinese bitches making our uggs. They’re so irrelevant. I can’t judge koalas, I make the same contribution to society as they do.


      7. you mean sleeping in a tree, looking down upon society, like they’re all a bunch of peasants?

        I guess we have something in common then. Although I don’t constantly smell like Eucalyptus.


  1. in those immortal words of Ja’mie, ‘I fucking love you, like I can’t even deal… like, I like, I mean, I FUCKING LOVE YOU, no, seriously, you guys, you’re all, like, the fucking best, I fucking love you bitches so much, you, like, don’t fucking understand.’


    1. In those immortal words of Ja’mie, ” People always go, “private schools create better citizens”. But I would say they create better quality citizens. Studies have shown that students from private schools are more likely to get into uni and end up making a lot more money. While wife beaters and rapists are nearly all public school educated. Sorry, no offense, but it’s true.”


      1. I’m not surprised in the slightest.

        If The Mean Queens were Britney’s ‘Work Bitch’ film clip, clearly, you would be britney, with the whip, and the others would be the hot bitches in skin-tight leather and come-fuck-me boots with big hair, crawling around on their knees, getting whipped by you, and dry humping the floor, like they’re trying to give it an infection.

        …typical day at the office?


      2. I mean that’s basically how it is every day. JK- it’s really just me writing 90% of the articles and threatening to kill the girls in order to get them to write 2 articles a month. I have no life. but I’m okay with that. Working witch bitches be exhausting, you know?


      3. Bitches be lazy.

        Maybe they need some come-fuck-me-boots and bust out a few high-kicks now and then.

        Or, maybe that’s just what you do instead.

        ‘Now get to work, bitch!’


      4. Easy. Ditch those other bitches, branch out on your own, and act like you’re god. Ooh, and throw in a terrible hair cut, too.

        Oh wait, that’s already been done.

        How bout you just make people start by referring to you as Queen-C (see what I did there 😉 hehehe)?


      5. Oh my god, me too. I’m rocking a lesbian mini Mohawk. Highlight of my day, tapped on the shoulder from behind, ‘excuse me mi… Oh, sorry!’

        Go fuck yourself. Dumbass.


      6. I’m just imagining the hoehawk and it’s bringing me great joy. People occasionally think I’m a woman when they talk to me on the phone. People also think I want to be a woman because I occasionally “wear women’s clothing”- ugh people, right?


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