What Hanukkah’s About (As described by someone who knows nothing about it)

So it’s Hanukkah.


A word that I had to google to learn how to spell correctly.

As a Christian, I know very about the holiday.

But as a blogger, I feel the need to write about it.
So here it goes.

HANUKKAH.

So the olden time Jews were in a temple once.

And like it was cold outside or something and they only had enough oil to have their candles lit for a couple of days.

Which was kind of an issue because if they went outside they would have froze to death and or gotten eaten by like wolves or something.

But they lit their candles anyways.

And then the candles like didn’t go out…for 7 days? Or was it 9?

Which was either the work of God, quality Yankee Candle store products, or witchcraft.

Either way it was awesome because they didn’t freeze to death.

And then there’s the Menorah.

Which is like a candle thing, and there’s 9 candles.

And you light them for each day of Hanukkah in order to celebrate the candles that never went out.

And every time you light it you get presents like a Nintendo DS or a sensible cardigan from JCrew.

And then there’s dreidels which we all made in elementary school. And you use them to play a game, or they are the game. I’m not really sure.

And then you eat a shit ton of latkes which are fucking delicious.

And you enjoy spending time with your families and friends.

And that’s it?

NO MARY KATE AND ASHLEY, I’M NOT SURE.

BYE.

2 comments

  1. “So the olden time Jews were in a temple once.

    And like it was cold outside or something and they only had enough oil to have their candles lit for a couple of days…”

    -…so, like, where did they plug in their iPhones?

    Like

  2. Now that I’ve read this, you’ve basically just described what every other non-jew knows about chhhhanukkah (you gotta get that really throaty, phlegmy bit), without actually really confirming any details.

    Had I written it, it would be along the lines of… So there’s these Jewish people, and they have a fancy candle holder, and they light one per day, because they prefer ultra mood lighting rather than lighting them all at once. Oh and there’s dreidels and a fuck load of presents. And lots of quality time with family and other jew friends.

    Like

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