Since not everyone goes to war America decided to create a day to exploit our inner desire to ditch all rules of society and enter into the consumer version of the Hunger Games: Black Friday. As a veteran of the day after Thanksgiving that turns shopping into a sport  I can assure you it isn’t quite as violent as the media portrays it. Then again I’m from a small town and not like North Dakota.. I can see people going batshit for a half off blender in North Dakota. However, there are definitely some tips to live by if you truly want to survive.

1. Preparation involves the mind, body and soul. As much as you may WANT to eat that fifth dinner roll you might want to skip it. You don’t want to vom all over the store. Although that may be a good tactic to claim your merchandise.

2. Dress warmly. And wear sensible shoes.  Today is one day where it is okay to look like a homely lesbian. The sun don’t shine at 2 am so it’s time to break out the long underwear and maybe put a couple heat packs in your bra.

3. Going into Black Friday is basically the same as going into a major operation. You really shouldn’t be consuming too many liquids in the hours leading up to it. You don’t want one of the things you get on Black Friday to be a UTI. Do bring gum or sugar as a early morning pick me up. Then again, low blood sugar might give you the aggression you need to curse the bitch who tries to cut you in line out.

4. Use the Buddy system. Two are always better than one. One person can act as the bodyguard with elbows out and the other can be the grabber. Also, one person can stand in line while the other participates in Lord of the Flies. If you are passive then team up with one of your more aggressive friends.

5. Be prepared. Map out your plan of attack hitting the deals you want most first. Search paper ads the day before but if you are like a modern day person you can also download the Apps. Make a list, check it twice, find out who is naughty or nice beforehand and who you have to buy gifts for.


May the odds be ever in your favor.