1. Orange is the New Black
I watched the first season of Orange is the New Black in a week and I came out of it hating most middle class white woman. But that’s just me. OITNB is the show everyone talked about this year and chances are someone tried to force you to watch it. It is a great show and it even kind of made me want to go to a women’s prison for a year. Emphasis on “kind of”. And if you don’t have a Netflix account just do what I do- offer sexual favors to your friend so you can use their account.
2. Game of Thrones
If there’s anything I’ve learned about Game of Thrones fans, it’s that they’re fucking batshit crazy. Every time I tell a fan of the show that I have no interest in watching, solely because I don’t like medieval fantasy and shows where little people play prominent roles (kidding) I feel like my life is at stake. And I’ve actually seen people get emotional while talking about the Red Wedding, which is something I know nothing about. I can only imagine the dispute was over the fact that Peter Dinklage chimed in with a “haven’t you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?!”
Scandal has been on for three seasons and yet people didn’t start talking about it until about three weeks ago. I mean I get why the show is popular. It’s sensationalist and outrageous and full of interracial love making which is what audiences love. And it’s got Kerry Washington who stole my heart the first time I saw “Save The Last Dance”. I’m only hoping that Scandal’s popularity will lead to a Monica Lewinsky spin off where Monica is played by Shannen Doherty and Bill Clinton is played by Spencer Breslin in age makeup.
4. American Horror Story
The best thing about American Horror Story is that it’s an anthology series- meaning that you can skip seasons without looking like a complete asshole. Every season is completely different despite using primarily the same actors. Basically American Horror Story is like an hour long Jessica Lange torture porn. And while I didn’t watch the first two seasons, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed this one. Mostly because Emma Roberts got her throat slit and Angela Bassett threw a bottle of semen into a fire. Ryan Murphy, how did you know those were my two favorite things?!
5. Breaking Bad
People always tell me I should watch Breaking Bad because it has my two favorite things: Bryan Cranston and meth. But sorry folks I will probably never watch “one of the best television series of all time” because I don’t like tense thrillers that make you feel like you’re suffering from a meth withdrawal. And considering the fact that my diet consists mostly of cookie dough and Goldfish crackers I don’t think my heart could take the added stress.
6. The Bachelor
The Bachelor is reality TV garbage that pretends not to be reality TV garbage because it’s on ABC. I’ll never fully understand why it’s so popular. I mean for starters the bachelor is almost always a butterface and the show is horribly scripted. Also, the couple never stays together in the end, so what’s the point? I’d rather watch Pumkin spit in New York’s face on loop every day for the rest of my life than watch this garbage.
7. Mad Men
Okay we get it, Jon Hamm is sexy in a dad kind of way. Is there any other reason I need to watch this? I mean really? It’s about the advertising industry and it’s apparently well written. But do I really need to watch this? Also side note: FUCK YOU JANUARY JONES, YOUR EPISODE OF SNL WAS ONE OF THE WORST ONES OF ALL TIME!
8. How I Met Your Mother
No I have not met your mother and I will probably never meet your mother. “How I Met Your Mother” has a fantastic cast and there’s a lot of reasons why I should watch it. At the same time, it’s been on the air forever and I don’t have the time or the energy to binge watch it. Let’s hope when I’m on my deathbed my last words aren’t, “I wish I had watched more TV shows starring Alyson Hannigan”
9. Big Bang Theory
I need to get something off my little delicate lady chest. THIS SHOW IS FUCKING AWFUL! I can’t deal with it. I hate everyone on the show (apart from Kaley Cuoco, God bless her heart) and I think it’s terribly scripted and unfunny. Also I hate laugh tracks more than anything else in the world. Maybe it’s just because I hate nerds- maybe it’s because Jim Parsons makes me feel sexually uncomfortable. Who knows? Either way I think this show deserves to burn in hell along with “Whitney”, “2 Broke Girls” and “Rugrats: All Growed Up”
10.Once Upon A Time
You know when I read that the Wicked Witch of the West was joining the cast of characters on Once Upon A Time my first thought was “LOL THIS SHOW IS STUPID” Newsflash hoes, the Wizard of Oz is not a FAIRY TALE! Fairytales are stories written by creepy German people from the 1500s, not stories written by Frank L. Baum. We get it Disney, we know you basically own everything and that you want to put all of the characters you own into one shitty show. But please stop the madness! Isn’t it enough that people have to tune in weekly and look at Ginnifer Goodwin’s miserable face? Why do you have to make it even worse for them?
Also for shits and giggles!