Let’s be honest, the only time handjobs are at all acceptable is in the 7th grade. I mean we all remember that one girl in middle school who became known as the edgy, slut because she gave a boy in your grade one half assed handjob behind a park bench. I’ll never understand them- I mean, why do for a man what he can do for himself? It’s common knowledge that most men masturbate at least 7 times a week which means it’s pretty safe to say a man knows how to jack himself off better than a hook up could. To me handjobs should only be used as part of oral sex, but that’s just one person’s opinion. I’m used to my hands and the speed and force needed to get off and the last thing I need is someone coming over with their dry ass hands and giving me the equivalent of sandpaper being scraped against my dick.
Does bukkake actually ever happen outside of porn? Are there actual people out there who let a bunch of dudes spunk all over their face? I mean I’ve heard semen can be a good moisturizer but damn that’s taking it to the extreme. Why don’t you just use some Mary Kay moisturizing cream instead and call it a day?
When I was little I would make my hand look like a bird’s beak and act out shadow puppet plays. Well it turns out that hand movement is actually called duckbilling and is used for fisting which maybe the most terrifying revelation ever. To be honest, I’ll never understand fisting. I mean, is it actually enjoyable? Because to me it just seems like a whole lot of unnecessary, painful stretching. Vaginas and assholes aren’t glad bags people, they can tear!
4. Deep throating
Listen up gentlemen, if you’re lucky enough to find a person to touch let alone put your penis in their mouth you should just be grateful! There’s no need for you to fuck their face or attempt to get them to choke to death on your penis just so you can have validation that your member isn’t in fact the size of a tic tac. Now I know some people get off on this type of kinky behavior but I use my mouth for two much more important things than dick sucking (talking shit and eating food) and I’ll be damned if your penis gets in the way of that.
So a creampie is basically when a guy ejaculates in the vagina/ass of their partner only to watch their semen seep out of it, which in my opinion is NASTY. I mean what’s so great about your semen that you feel the need to make some sort of art exhibit out of it? Raindrops sliding down a car window is poetic, your sperm dripping out of a vagina is not. And let’s talk about clean up people, ain’t nobody got time to deal with your nasty sperm drippings.
6. Donkey Punch
All I know is that if someone did this to me during sex I would actually set fire to the rain and then them.
7. Food play
I don’t understand the people who get off on watching their partner eat food or be covered in it. Sir, eating to me is a very personal and religious experience and I don’t need your stupid ass turning it into some weird fetishistic thing. Let me eat my ice cream cake in peace, bitch.
8. Mammary Intercourse
Mammary Intercourse, AKA tittyfucking, is something men do in pornos but not real life (as far as I know). I understand that straight men love boobs and all but I don’t really see why they would do this apart from if they are unable to actually penetrate their partner. I mean boobs are nice, but like they’re just fat and skin. I mean if you’re going to fuck something that isn’t an orifice you might as well fuck an apple pie right? Scratch that- just skip the sex all together and eat an apple pie instead.
9. Pearl Necklace
Fun fact if you go to the Wiki page for pearl necklace it actually shows a picture of the act (thanks for the nightmare) Marilyn Monroe said that diamonds were a girl’s best friend, she ain’t never said nothing about semen necklaces. I don’t understand men’s fascination with spreading their seed everywhere. Semen is white, semi translucent and smells like chlorine. It’s not the nectar of the gods, so please get off your high horse and realize you’re being ridiculous.10. Turkey Slap
10. Turkey Slap
You know that thing in porn where a guy whacks his dick on the side of another person’s face? Well apparently that’s a turkey slap. I mean I guess I sort of get the appeal- it’s kind of kinky and gross but in a safe way. At the same time though, it’s a little dehumanizing and makes the other person just a sex object. If you’re going to hit me in the face with something at least make it something l like…like a hot pocket or a Klondike bar.
Reblogged this on Sometimes I Wear Tiaras and commented:
This is hilarious and entirely accurate (Mom, don’t read this).
hand jobs are something we do when we don’t want to have sex with a guy but feel obligated to perform some kind of sex act because we have gone too far and he is too turned on. Everything else I don’t get either…except maybe the mammary sex. I don’t have large breasts but I can see how it would be appealing if someone had enough breasts to actually make it work.
Hahaha I completely agree about the handjobs. Seeing as I’m a gay guy I really don’t get the appeal of mammary sex but I know I why haha.
So accurate! You’ve got a great sense of humor, and a good sense of priorities (food trumps all).
Thank God someone else gets the importance of food!
Wow, I’ve never ready such prudish garbage in my life..
When you’ve been married for ten years and looking to try something new or add a bit of kink, trust me, you’ll end up doing and enjoying a lot you never thought you would!
Fisting when done properly (working up to it and using lots of lube) can give you the best orgasm you never imagined (like seriously, holy shit amazing). A vagina is a wonderful thing and made to stretch (and a good stretch can feel oh so good) it also goes right back to its normal tightness after a good stretch (just keep on top of those kegels). My husband loves the way my vagina feels inside after a good fisting session, and he usually cums really fast and hard when we have “regular” sex after some fist fun..
I have no problem letting him pull out and squirt on my body anywhere he wants, it’ can be quite fun and a turn on to me to watch him orgasm up close and personal.
Have you ever heard of a grape fruit blowjob, look it up.. I think it could qualify as food play that anyone could try and enjoy..
I will agree with you on deep throating, it’s one thing to experience a little pain but another to take a dick so deep you feel like a bulimic trying to purge their last meal.. I have gaged and almost thrown up trying to give a quality blow job, but it isn’t something I’d want to do again..
You’ve got to try these things with someone you trust and are completely comfortable with before you can even begin to understand them, open your mind (and vagina) to a little fun!
For starters, a gay male wrote this, so it’s not supposed to be the female experience. Also, it’s satirical! It’s not meant to be taken seriously, it’s just meant to be funny.