Oh the bar scene. There’s nothing like a loud room full of drunk people. I’ve spent a lot of time going to bars and I don’t even want to know the amount of money I’ve spent in there. I generally have fun whenever I’m at a bar – unless one of these things happens:
1) Waiting in a long ass line
I’ve definitely waited in line for a bar more times than I’d like to.That’s probably largely due to the fact that between blasting Spotify and ripping shots with my girlfriends, my pregames almost always last too long. So I guess I can blame myself a bit for having to wait in lines. The waiting part is obviously shitty but it’s more than just that. It’s the assholes that start casually “chatting” with a friend that they saw in line and suddenly become a part of the line. Bitch no. You went to Kindergarten you know the fucking drill. No cuts. It’s like one of the first lessons in life you learn after the golden rule. Also, you don’t think I just saw you try and get in through the smoking side? Bullshit. The only reason I can tolerate these lines/assholes is knowing that my sweet lips will soon enough touch an $8 vodka cranberry. That friends, is the level I’m at right now.
2) Cover Charges
Having to pay a cover charge sucks. I think everyone can agree with that. Not only do I strongly dislike having to pay to gain access to a bar but there are other things that annoy me about cover charges. Like the fact that a lot of places only take cash. I don’t often carry cash so I usually have to go out of my way to go to an ATM. Also, once you pay a cover charge you feel that much more obligated to stay. If it sucks, it feels like a waste of money. Wah wah wah 😦
3) That I wanna dance but not with you scenario.
I run into this situation almost every time I go out. I love dancing with my friends but god forbid you shake your hips too much or drop it low. Don’t be surprised when you bring it back up and you’ve caught yourself a creeper. Trying to dance your way out of this one can be tricky. If the guy shoves his junk up against my ass then I have no problem telling him to go away. It starts to get awkward when it’s the guy you know seems nice and just wants a dance but you’re just not interested. That’s when I awkwardly do the backwards choo choo train back to my friends and act like it was all part of my routine. Sometimes this happens a lot more than once, and it’s real cute. If he’s still being too clingy my last resorts are to head to the bar or the bathroom and relocate all together when I’m ready for the dancefloor again.
4) You wanna dance with Y but X won’t go away.
Along the lines of the previous one this also sucks. You’re trying to get one guy away from you while also trying to attract another. In the words of the Sorting Hat, difficult verrrrrry difficult.
5) Can’t get to the bar.
If you think the hardest part is over once you’re done waiting in line, think again. The line to the bar could be just as bad. This line is usually so crowded though, that you can’t really even call it a line. It’s a clusterfuck, a motherfucking clusterfuck. And you can never tell who is cutting in front of you. Once you get up to the actual bar you have to be as aggressive as possible. Unlike some bouncers, most bartenders are too distracted to care if you’re charming/pretty/rich. This just means you have to thrust as much of your upper body into the bar as possible. Or just hope you meet someone ASAP who is willing to buy you a drink and do this dirty work for you. Not always likely. I usually order a shot and a drink right away to hold me over until I feel like entering the drunken jungle again.
6) Bar Fights
So sometimes bar fights are fun to watch if they get broken up and leave nobody hurt. After experiencing 3 different bar fights in the past couple weeks, almost getting pushed, and getting a drink dumped onto my heels though, I’ve definitely had enough. Most these fights are over the dumbest things anyway. It’s the biggest turn off watching a guy who’s just looking for a fight. Please leave it elsewhere.
7) The music is way too loud
I might sound like a grandmother in an Abercrombie & Fitch but I really don’t understand why the music needs to be so loud sometimes. When I’m at a bar that plays their music too loud and I meet someone it’s always an issue. I ask the same question over and over again and then just resort to head nods.
8) You can’t find your friends
I get separated from my friends often in bars. This is due to some of the reasons I previously mentioned. Maybe I want to grab a drink “real quick” at the bar and then got stuck waiting in the mosh pit. Maybe I tried calling you but the music is so loud that any vibration you’ll just assume is coming from those massive speakers. A lot of the time it’s because they’ll get stuck talking to someone and I’m not about that third wheel life. Regardless of how they got lost, when I lose them, finding them is not an easy task.
9) The bathroom is nasty
I’m going to guess that the only reason I can tolerate bar bathrooms is because by the time I need to use them, I’m probably pretty fucked up. There are drinks spilled everywhere, sometimes even broken. The spilled drinks makes toilet paper stick to everything and get all ripped up. There is always one door that’s broken so in your drunken stupor you have to try and hover over the nasty toilet while trying to keep the door shut. You’ll try to wash your hands thinking you’ll feel somewhat cleaner but there might not be soap and paper towels are usually low. This results in some more wet spots on your clothes to contribute to the ones that were already there from getting drinks spilled all over you. To top it off for some reason all girls in the bathroom just hate each other. I don’t know what it is but everyone is just always glaring and it’s just a terrible place.
10) Nowhere to put your coat/coat check
Living in Boston, most months out of the year I need a coat to bring with me to the bar. Based on the fact that I hate cover charges you can probably guess that I hate coat checks. I especially hate coat checks because you not only have to spend more stupid money but you also have to wait in TWO lines. One to check your coat and one to get it back. Fuck that business. So usually I have to drape my jacket over my arms and have another thing to carry besides my drink OR I hide it away and hope nobody steals it.