The Definitive Ranking of Breakfast Cereals

15. Raisin Bran

As someone who has never eaten Raisin Bran, I can only assume that homeschooled children and the spawn of emotionally distant parents are the only ones who have ever been subject to eating this.  Rains and Bran are terrible things on their own so whoever thought they were okay to put together was seriously disturbed.

14. Life

If you’re not eating Life Cinnamon, you might as well be eating sawdust. The only relevant thing about Life is the time they put black children on their Maple Sugar box. Casual racism at its finest.

13. Cookie Crisp

Cookie Crisp is arguably the most disappointing thing on Earth. For starters, it tastes NOTHING like cookies. In fact it tastes a little bit like cardboard- and not even chocolate chip flavored cardboard.  You might as well just eat legitimate chocolate chip cookies for breakfast as they are more than likely possess the same nutritional value (or lack thereof).

12. Special K

Special K is bougie.  It’s really only for fat people who don’t want to commit to actually eating healthy but want to lose weight. Newsflash people, cereal isn’t really good for you. PERIOD. Eat something else if you want to be healthy. And do’t think that just because you’re eating  glorified rice and dehydrated strawberries that you’re better than anyone else. Because chances are you’re the type of person who dresses in gym wear but never actually goes.

11.) Cocoa Puffs

I’m aware that Cocoa Puffs are actually a pretty popular cereal. With that being said, I think it tastes like dirt. I think most chocolate flavored things taste like dirt. That’s because I think, secretly, that all of these things are actually made out of dirt.

10.) Trix

Remember when Trix were actually shaped like fruit?  99% of what made them appealing was the fact that they were fun shapes.

9) Lucky Charms

You would be lying if you didn’t say that the only reason you eat Lucky Charms is because of the marshmallows. No one actually likes the cereal. The only enjoyable part of Lucky Charms is digging through the box and inhaling the marshmallows. The rest of it tastes like packing peanuts.

8.) Honey Bunches of Oats

Honey Bunches of Oats are the less bougie version of Special K. People pretend its healthy, but we all know that it’s not. The main difference being that HBO is actually kind of delicious. Mostly because it tastes like artificial vanilla.  And who doesn’t love that?

7.) Apple Jacks

Apple Jacks taste nothing like apples. Also, why does it come in two different colors if they taste EXACTLY the same? Either way Apple Jacks are delicious as FUCK.

6.) Froot Loops

By now I hope you’ve realized that breakfast cereals taste nothing like what their titles suggest. Froot Loops are delicious. They’re super sweet and almost coma inducing but delicious nonetheless. It also comes in a bunch of different colors despite the fact that they all taste the same. But whatever, Toucan Sam can git it.

5.) Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Cinnamon Toast Crunch is good but only in very small doses. It’s sickly sweet and almost impossible to eat out of the box without getting your fingers incredibly sticky. Also, it has an old man on the box.  And I don’t like his face.

4.) Cap’n Crunch

Scientists are still trying to determine what would do more damage- eating one Razorblade, or eating an entire box of Cap’n Crunch. But despite the fact that it’s pretty painful to eat, Cap’n Crunch is DELICIOUS. And just like anal, sometimes the best things hurt.

3.) Mini Wheats

Mini Wheats are the shit, yo!  This is a cereal that gives you what you want- FROSTING. Because if you’re going to be eating an absurd amount of sugar you might as well embrace it. You can eat them dry or with milk, they’re obscenely tasty either way.

2.)  Honey Nut Cheerios

The only people who don’t like Honey Nut Cheerios are communists and traitors to this great nation. HNC are sweet without overdoing it and a good way to start the day. You can also eat a whole box without going into a diabetic coma and that counts for something.

1.) Frosted Flakes

Frosted Flakes are the best! They’re sweet and delicious and heavenly and I really don’t give a flying fuck if anyone disagrees.

 

 

 

One comment

  1. So, I’m kinda jealous, the diabetic fat kid in me is trying really really hard not to drool all over my keyboard on my laptop… because I don’t have a spare couple o’ grand to get a new one. Here in ‘Straya we only have a couple of the cereals you’ve listed. We have Frosted Flakes, except here, they’re called Frosties. Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Apple Jacks? Lucky Charms? Cookie Crisp? Trix? Sounds like a fucking sugary-filled diabetic breakfast wonderland… although here Trix is the name of a dishwashing detergent… so best you don’t get those two confused.

    For most Australian kids, I think the biggest things were Cocoa Pops and Fruit Loops… I used to enjoy putting coco pops on a bowl of ice cream… and eating fruit loops straight out of the box. No milk, just handful after handful of sugar rings.

    Dammit, now I want froot loops.

    Like

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