The Scarlet Letter
Even priests can be slutty.
Lord of the Flies
Middle schoolers are, in fact, the worst.
Don’t get pregnant during the Apocalypse..
To Kill A Mockingbird
Old, isolated men who put candy in the holes of trees and murder in self defense are infinitely cuter and more redeemable if they have a name like “Boo”.
Men will go to great lengths (even fight Cyclopes) to bone their wife.
Of Mice & Men
If your name is Curley, there’s a 90% chance you’re a limp dick prick.
If you write a 300 page book about a guy being a beetle only for the reader to find out that the guy isn’t really a beetle and it’s all just one big fucked up metaphor then you’re an ASSHOLE.
Listen to the crazy women who live in bushes- chances are what they have to say is legit.
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Degrassi really works in book form.
FRANKENSTEIN IS THE DOCTOR, NOT THE MONSTER! #MINDBLOWN
Death of a Salesman
If you push your children too far or name them “Biff” and “Happy” they are most likely going to resent you.
Just because a book has a lot of gratuitous violence doesn’t mean it won’t be boring as fuck.
Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
James Joyce is a dick.
Interracial love is extremely under-appreciated.
Apparently people think naming their child Oedipus “translation-swollen foot” is appropriate.
The Kite Runner
Just because a book has what seems to be a light and fun title does not mean in any way shape or form that it’s not about serious issues- such as rape, murder and prejudice.
Daisy Buchanan is a thot.
Pretty much everyone goes to Hell.
Talking animals will always be entertaining- even if they’re fascist.
The Catcher In The Rye
If someone asks you if you read Catcher in The Rye just say yes and mutter something about liking it- it’s much better to lie than deal with the judgmental looks if you fess up to not reading it.
Abigail Williams is a scum sucking road whore.
Hunger Games, Twilight, Divergent
Teachers are so afraid of their students becoming illiterate degenerates that they’re willing to assign them “recreational reading” with no real academic value.
Don’t trade your soul to be smarter- trade it for something more worthwhile…. like good looks or stretchy yoga pants.
Brutus is just as cute as Caesar. Brutus is just as smart as Caesar. People totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar.