The Scarlet Letter

Even priests can be slutty.

Lord of the Flies

Middle schoolers are, in fact, the worst.

The Road

Don’t get pregnant during the Apocalypse..

To Kill A Mockingbird

Old, isolated men who put candy in the holes of trees and murder in self defense are infinitely cuter and more redeemable if they have a name like “Boo”.

The Odyssey

Men will go to great lengths (even fight Cyclopes) to bone their wife.

Of Mice & Men

If your name is Curley, there’s a 90% chance you’re a limp dick prick.


If you write a 300 page book about a guy being a beetle only for the reader to find out that the guy isn’t really a beetle and it’s all just one big fucked up metaphor then you’re an ASSHOLE.


Listen to the crazy women who live in bushes- chances are what they have to say is legit.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Degrassi really works in book form.



Death of a Salesman

If you push your children too far or name them “Biff” and “Happy” they are most likely going to resent you.

Just because a book has a lot of gratuitous violence doesn’t mean it won’t be boring as fuck.

Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man

James Joyce is a dick.


Interracial love is extremely under-appreciated.

Oedipus Rex

Apparently people think naming their child Oedipus “translation-swollen foot” is appropriate.

The Kite Runner

Just because  a book has what seems to be a light and fun title does not mean in any way shape or form that it’s not about serious issues- such as rape, murder and prejudice.

Great Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan is a thot.

Dante’s Inferno

Pretty much everyone goes to Hell.

Animal Farm
Talking animals will always be entertaining- even if they’re fascist.

The Catcher In The Rye

If someone asks you if you read Catcher in The Rye just say yes and mutter something about liking it- it’s much better to lie than deal with the judgmental looks if you fess up to not reading it.

The Crucible

Abigail Williams is a scum sucking road whore.

Hunger Games, Twilight, Divergent

Teachers are so afraid of their students becoming illiterate degenerates that they’re willing to assign them “recreational reading” with no real academic value.

Doctor Faustus

Don’t trade your soul to be smarter- trade it for something more worthwhile…. like good looks or stretchy yoga pants.

Julius Caesar

Brutus is just as cute as Caesar. Brutus is just as smart as Caesar. People totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar.