The Definitive Rankings of Disney Princes

 

11.) Adam (The Beast)

Oh hell to the no! I did not just sit through an hour and a half of pseudo bestiality anime porn to watch Belle end up with some gay ass looking Cara Delevigne impersonator. I mean I get that women are naturally attracted to bad boys/love to “fix” men but that only applies if the guy is hot like James Dean or Joe Jonas circa 2009. Newsflash boys, you can only be an asshole if you’re hot.

10. Kristoff

I understand that Princess Anna is adorkable and quirky or whatever but did they really have to pair her with a guy who was raised by trolls and gets intimate with a reindeer in his spare time? Sure, he’s nice and whatever but he’s just not Prince material- especially when you consider the fact that his nose is big enough to be a landing strip for planes. The only thing going for him is that he’s voiced by a cute homosexual.

9.) John Smith

It’s hard for John Smith to shine in a movie that is all about how glorious the main character’s hair is. I mean sure he’s a decent guy who was forward thinking when it came to interracial romance, but he’s not particularly interesting. Let’s also not forget he’s voiced by the anti-Christ (Mel Gibson)

8.) Prince Florian

For starters, Prince Florian is clearly a homosexual. There’s no way he’s attracted to someone as insufferable as Snow White and we all know the whole “true love’s first kiss” thing was invented to sell Lindt Chocolate. With that being said there’s actually very little we know about him-except for the fact that his outfits are gay and he may dabble in necrophilia. But like who hasn’t?

7.) Prince Henry (Prince Charming)

Prince Henry is one WASPy ass motherfucker. He’s rich, good looking, probably hates Catholics and is as vanilla as can be. Sure he’s a tad more developed than Prince Florian but not by much- heck the King’s gay Grand Duke has more character than he does. But he’s nice or whatever and saves Cindy from her first world problems so that’s something. He’s much doper in the Brandy version.

6.) Li Shang

Li Shang is an asshole for about 90% of Mulan. But at the same time, he’s also strangely attractive. Like he’d be a great hate fuck. Anyways—yeah, he’s a good foil to Mulan and they make a good pair. He’s a patriotic guy who fights for the honor and integrity of his mother land- that’s got to count for something, right? Also he sings one of the best songs of any Disney movie!

5.) Aladdin

Aladdin may be charismatic but he’s a complete and total douche waffle. He’s hot headed and immature and often acts without thinking. He’s also completely out of Jasmine’s league. But in his defense, he’s also a funny guy who learned how to make the best of his situation and live each day to the fullest. He also has a nice chest and understands the importance of incorporating vests into your wardrobe.

4.) Prince Phillip

Maleficent may upstage everyone in Sleeping Beauty but that doesn’t mean Prince Phillip isn’t dope. He’s a good looking guy who isn’t afraid of anything that comes his way. He’s thirsty and willing to slay even the scariest hell dragons to get to dat booty. Aurora is also flawless so if she is willing to marry him he must be okay too.

3.) Flynn Rider

Finally, an interesting Disney prince! Flynn Rider goes through a transformation during Tangled- from a morally corrupt thief with great eyebrows to a sentimental good guy with great eyebrows. You can tell he really cares about Rapunzel and it’s nice to see a Prince with some flaws! #eugene4eva

2.) Prince Naveen

Similar to Flynn, Naveen doesn’t start out as the nicest of guys. He’s entitled, pompous, and obnoxious. He grows a lot over the film,however, and you come to fall in love with him. It also doesn’t help that he’s a really cute guy (#whodoesntloveracialambiguity). I know people are probably like “LOL WHO IS DIS?” because I was the only person to see this movie but whatever y’all can SUCK MY ASS.

1.) Prince Eric

I’m not going to pretend that Prince Eric is the smartest or even kindest of the Disney Princes. I am going to say though that he has a really cute dog and some great waterfront real estate. He’s a good looking, attractive guy who clearly cares about a mute girl he barely knows and while he may almost marry the wrong girl he’s still pretty cool. He also murders a giant octopus drag queen which is awesome. But really it’s mostly for the dog.

 

4 comments

  1. Flynn, Naveen and Li Shang totally…and omg I’ll make a man of you… not helping his ummm questionable orientation really is it… though great song!
    (I love PatF by the way, you’re def not the only person haha)

    Like

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