Star Wars Jedi: In Order of Hotness

*DISCLAIMER: This article does not include female Jedi because I am a homosexual and they are all far too fabulous to be able to rank (looking at you Shaak Ti). Also this list DOES include Sith because Darth Maul gives me life.

14.) Plo Koon

I’m sure that Plo Koon is a lovely gent but that doesn’t change the fact that he looks like what every gay man imagines a vagina to be. He looks like a wide range of terrifying things- the facehugger from Alien, a brain, a giant beetle, and an uncooked Christmas turkey. I’ll be seeing you in my sexual nightmares, Plo!

13.) Kit Fisto

Some people might think Kit Fisto is cute. I, on the other hand, think he looks like something straight from the depths of hell. I mean what kind of bottom of the sea dwelling, Whoopi Goldberg hair stealing, Elphaba wannabe is Kit? He also looks just like the mask from the episode of Goosebumps with Carlybeth and I am just not having that.

12.) Ki Adi Mundi

Ki gets bonus points for having an on-point eyebrow game, but beyond that he doesn’t really have much going for him. He looks kind of human but he also kind of looks like the sole of a foot meets those Conehead bitches. Also, if you watch the movies he was kind of douche-waffle- so yeah, NEXT.

11.) Eeth Koth

Eeth looks like a guy who had a run in with a nasty ass STI. At first glance he looks kind of human but then after a double take you’re like WTF IS GROWING FROM YOUR HEAD! I guess he has pretty eyes though?

10.) Agen Kolar

Agen is literally Eeth’s clone but with a chiseled jaw and a magnificent butt chin. Fix your hair though, bitch!

9.) Emperor Palpatine

Emperor Palpatine looks good for his age- I mean he is like two thousand years old, right? Evil sith lord aside he’s just not a looker. I know his hideous face is the result of severe electrocution but you’d think they’d have better plastic surgeons on Coruscant. He looks exactly like dried out Play Doh and that is NOT a compliment.

8.) Luke Skywalker

Luke is the chosen one… so it’s unfortunate that he is kind of “meh” in the looks department. He serves Supercuts realness and his whole persona screams “I’m gay, but like not in a way that makes me appealing to homosexuals”. What does that mean you ask? I really have no idea. I just don’t like him. Sorry. No logic needed.

7.) Count Dooku

Okay, so Count Dooku is an old man. But like if you Google “young Christopher Lee” you can see that he was pretty dope when he was younger. And Count Dooku had to be young at some point so let’s just assumed he looked like this. Also, he’s British which makes him hotter by default.

6.) Mace Windu

Finally, a character of color who is actually a human! Mace is kind of cute if you’re into the whole cue-ball look which I’m not really a fan of. He’s also kind of old and kind of mean which are both turn offs, but he has a purple lightsaber which is pretty hot. And Samuel L. Jackson is a bad ass- so he deserves this spot.

5.) Obi Wan Kenobi

Obi Wan would be higher up on this list if his personality wasn’t so dick shriveling. He’s aways uptight and regularly condescending which makes him unappealing. Like we get it Obi, you’re right, so can you please  SHUT THE FUCK UP NOW?! Also, I’m not a huge fan of his beard. It’s just not my thing #sorryboutit

 4.) Darth Maul

FACE IT EVERYONE- Darth Maul is hot! I mean sure he’s not human and now he’s pretty much just a torso- but if you can look past those things you can’t deny how sexy he is. He’s like a sexy Satan with those devil horns and weird tribal markings on his face. If you’re reading this Darth,  you can double light saber me any time.

3.) Qui Gon Jinn

Qui Gon is sexy…in a dad kind of way. He’s smart, confident and bossy, just how I like them! He also has some magnificent hair and is played by Liam Neeson who is the ultimate badass. It’s such a shame he got killed off so early.

2.) Anakin Skywalker

Before I write this one, let’s be clear that I acknowledge that Hayden Christensen is the worst thing about Star Wars a part from Jar Jar Binks. Let me also say that Anakin is a whiny, pessimistic, cocky, annoying, bland Jedi. With that being said…he’s so HOT! He has a six pack, a random facial scar and his whole “I could randomly force choke you at any moment” look is strangely attractive in a Fifty Shades of Grey kind of way. I can only dream I had been in the middle of his sexual encounters with Padme.

1.) Yoda

Yoda is the best character in Star Wars. He’s the only one to see through the bullshit, has the most intense lightsaber duels and is cute as shit. So yes, he deserves spot #1 and yes if I met Yoda I’d let him do weird freaky sex things to me. And yes, I was trying to ruin your childhood just now (*cue you beginning to imagine me engaging in coitus with Yoda)

5 comments

  1. Hayden Christensen the worst thing of Star Wars??? You are out of your mind. He actually made that shitty movies watchable. God lord you haters are so dumb…

    Like

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