1.) Pumpkin Flavored Everything
Okay, what’s the deal about gourds? Pumpkins are for jack-o-lanterns, not for flavoring lattes and Oreos. I mean I get it- pumpkin pie is good or whatever. But Pumpkin Spice Lattes are so expensive and overrated and taste like asshole (not the good kind).
2.) Apple Picking
Apple Picking is NOT fun. That’s why we have people work minimum wage to collect them for us! Like the only reason people enjoy apple picking is because we wish we weren’t such pansies/didn’t spend all of our time indoors.
3.) Sweater Weather
Sweaters are cute. But like who the fuck actually likes the cold? Also, if you wear sweaters every day of the fall you’re either a useless hipster, an obnoxious homosexual or a plus sized girl who tries to overcompensate for her insecurities by overdressing.
Because there’s nothing worse than watching girls who know nothing about football huddled around a TV pretending they like football to impress guys who don’t know to talk about anything besides football. Side note- if you’re a girl who has ever made buffalo wings for a football game/pretended they liked the sport without knowing anything about it, just know I want to push a boulder on you.
Remember the good days when Halloween used to be about candy? Well, now it’s just about coordinated group costumes that are uninspired, slutty girls being slutty, douchey guys being douchey and drinking obscenely.
6.) Fall Weather
*Cue every white girl taking a picture in a pile of leaves or instagramming a photo of a tree because apparently people forget that leaves change color every fucking year* Fall is the Sunday of seasons. It may be pretty but it’s a season based entirely on death. And looking pretty in death is something that should be reserved for Jon Benet Ramsey.
7.) Wearing Flannel
I don’t have the energy to comment on this one. Flannel is something that should be reserved for people who are high 24/7 or actual lumberjacks.
8.) Shorter Days
Apparently there are people out there who actually like the fact that it becomes dark earlier during the fall. I sincerely think these people are sociopaths. There’s nothing more depressing than the sun going down while you’re in class or waking up knowing that you’ll only have 5 hours of sunlight. It’s not romantic, it’s awful #SAD
9.) Columbus Day
I’m clearly just running out of ideas here. Columbus Day is great if you look at it as just one long weekend. It’s bad when you look at it as your opportunity to go home and reconnect with all of your high school friends/spend time with family. Columbus Day is always disappointing because you don’t actually have enough time to do what you want to do. Also factor in the unfortunate reality that you probably have homework to do during this weekend and it’s clear that Columbus Day is the worst.
10.) Expressing Themselves
While I hate months like January and February, I love that they make people so miserable that they choose to tone down their self expression. That is not the case with the Fall. Girls spend all of their free time instagramming pictures of dead leaves or making non ironic jokes about them being basic and guys just talk about fantasy football or whatever boys talk about. It’s like because there’s less going on in the fall than during the summer that people feel like they should be expressing themselves even more. But for the love of God please don’t. Enjoy your pumpkin pie, pick your two apples, but please don’t pretend for a second that the fall is the tits or that you’re interesting.