5 Lessons I’ve Learned From Grindr

1.) Whether a person is worth talking to can be determined solely by their username

In the few months I’ve had Grindr I’ve learned that there are essentially four types of Grindr usernames. There’s the “basic”, which is just the guy’s name along with probably an awkwardly up close selfie as the profile picture. There’s the “pun”, such as my own, DSLiot (hold your applause) which says I’m probably here to troll you but I’m not entirely opposed to having sex with you if you’re attractive. The third type is the “activity” username which is just a summary of what they are looking for such as “Looking for NSA” or “Cuddle Buddy?” The last- and WORST type- is the “obscene” which is for men who like to strike fear into your heart by coming up with a name so offensive or obscene that you have to check your closet before you go to bed to make sure they won’t jump out of your closet and steal you away into the night.

Here are the best/worst “Obscene” profiles I’ve accounted:

“Horned Up”-55 year old bottom who loves a good time in and out of bed.

“Grand Pkg ^”-blank profile

Incocknito: shirtless Macbook user

Ass Whisperer- a man whose headline reads “butt eating and pounding, life is good”

2.) If a guy says he’s only Grindr to chat, he’s probably not. 

There are a lot of messages I don’t respond to on Grindr-mostly because the men who message me start the conversation by saying “Oral?” or “Cute bottom” and are usually 40 years old. When I choose to respond, its generally only when the guy is really cute or starts off the conversation in a wittier way than “Hi.” And occasionally a really cute, funny guy strikes up a conversation with me and I have hopes that maybe good gay guys exist. Unfortunately, that hope is usually crushed rather quickly when the guy says “So what are you into?” or asks for “fun pics.” But let me be clear and say I don’t judge people for the site and I’m aware of what the site is primarily used for. It just doesn’t make it any less disappointing when a cute guy reminds me of that.

3.) The GPS on Grindr is woefully inaccurate. 

As evident by the fact that my roommate who is sitting next to me is apparently 80 feet away from me. Maybe 80 feet away emotionally but definitely not physically.

4.) Gay men enjoy being casually racist

Newsflash homos: A preference is when you like one thing more than another based on some form of logic for example. For example, I prefer Vanilla ice cream over chocolate ice cream because I’ve tasted chocolate and I generally don’t like it. Saying “no fats, no femmes, no Asians” isn’t a preference- it’s racist and does nothing but informs us that you are both racist and dumb enough to broadcast that. Penises come in all different colors of the rainbow and you should learn to appreciate that, FUCKHEAD!

5.) Don’t stick your dick in crazy

“If someone wants to meet up with you right away, chances are it is going to end poorly. If someone repeatedly begs you to hang out and messages you 24/7 to meet up and you are stupid enough to do so, it’ll probably not end well. Why is this you ask? Because they’re crazy and they’ll either be terrible at sex,  be horribly awkward or they’ll have an STD. Chances are it is some combination of the three”- the wise words of my roommate.

 

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