I’ve discovered something recently: I’m a complete and total flake. Now, I’ve always known that I have flakey tendencies. I have a habit of bailing on plans last minute and I often say I’ll do things without going through with them. I never realized, however, that I was a complete flake sexually as well. But this winter break I’ve discovered that I’m incapable of pulling the trigger on anything sexual. I can entertain conversations with men, make sexual promises or advances, but never actually commit to doing anything with them. I’m the kind of guy that will say I want to do something and then never respond once the guy tries to make those dirty conversations come true.
I think that I, like many people, have difficulty finding balance between what I want and what I think I want. When I’m intoxicated or in the “mood” my brain tells me that sex is what I want. My brain says, “U totally want 2 get BANGED 2night girly” And as a result, I’ll talk to men who show interest in me. I’ll even exchange phone numbers with them and potentially pictures (DON’T READ THIS ARTICLE MOM BUT IF YOU DO DON’T WORRY MY FACE IS NEVER IN THEM) to make it seem like I have every intention of following through. But then at some point I realize that there’s no way I’ll make good on what I say. Once a guy asks me what day I’m free, I freeze up. I make excuses or lies, usually ones that are good enough to keep them interested in continuing our conversation. I lead them on and then I lie to them. And it’s not because I enjoy being manipulative. It’s because who I am and who I often wish to be are two very different people.
I know on a physical level how great sex feels. And when I talk to an attractive guy, I am turned on by the idea of getting physical with them. But then I remember how awkward and intimate sex can be. I start to think about what I would do if I tried to have sex with them and it didn’t work. I think about what I would do if they wanted me to try something I didn’t want to try. And I think about whether or not they’d judge my sexual ability or make me feel objectified. Perhaps all of this anxiety is in my head or some type of projection. It’s possible that sex with a stranger could be comfortable and great. But I’ve never been that kind of a risk taker.
It seems to me that promiscuity is something much more expected in the gay world than it is in the straight one. If you’re a gay man and not sexually active, you’re seen as a prude or a baby. As a 21 year old gay guy, I’m always treated like a child because I’m not as sexually experienced as others. Gays either want nothing to do with me because I’m inexperienced or they want everything to do with me because I’m unmarked territory. It’s unfortunate that sex is such a commodity for young gays and it’s even worse that we treat those who choose not to be sexually active as if they’re missing out or wasting their youth.
I’ve used Grindr as a self esteem boost. It’s nice to get messages from guy who find me attractive or want to have sex with me. It’s nice to be found desirable and to hold some sort of power over other people. But at the same time- Grindr is emotionally draining. I feel bad when I never follow through with conversations and I feel even worse that I often feel that I’m obligated to go through with things. It’s certainly great to be complimented or desired, but it’s awful when you just become your body or some sex commodity.
I guess my main issue is that I don’t know what I want. I’m way too wishy-washy at this point in my life. Some days I want to have sex and other days sex is the last thing I want. Part of me wants to take a sabbatical from all things sexual and focus on the other aspects of my life. The other part tells me that this is the time of my life to be sexual and that I shouldn’t wait until I’m thirty to get it on. But until I figure out what I want, perhaps it’s best that I sign of Grindr indefinitely. It’s not fair to lead people on nor is it fair for me to have to be subjected to so many unsolicited dick pics.