Last night RuPaul’s Drag Race season premiered, and it was pretty anticlimactic. That’s not too surprising though when you consider the fact that the first thirty minutes of the episode was released this past Friday. It’s also not too surprising because the queens this season have the appeal of a benign tumor. They’re not bad, they’re not good, they’re just….eh. But I digress…

The first queen to arrive on the scene is Miss Fame, a breathtaking makeup artist with the personality of Isaac Mizrahi on his worst day. She’s aiming to be the Raja of this season and has claimed that she hopes her runway skills will help her snatch the crown, which they clearly wont’. If there’s anything we’ve learned from Jinkx Monsoon’s win, it’s that you don’t have to be pretty or fashionable to win this competition anymore. In fact, runway skills are literally the most useless thing to have in this competition.

Followed by Fame were Ginger Minj, who looks like a toad, and Jasmine Masters, who is so painfully out of touch it’s ridiculous. Poor Jasmine is a cross between Dida Ritz and Alyssa Edwards, but only more unfortunate and socially delayed.  Other queens include Kandie Ho, a narcissist who is unaware that she looks like Jessica Wild in drag and a wild stallion out of it, Violet- a pretty queen who doesn’t understand that you have to actually be likable to do well in the competition, and Kennedy Davenport, who is apparently talented? Then there’s three older queens whose names escape me because they’re horrible (Sasha, Tempest and…God, who’s the other one?) The only likable queens are Katya, who is hilarious, Max- who has a nice fashion sense but speaks like a robot, and Pearl- who is slightly terrifying but mesmerizing nonetheless. Oh, there’s also Trixie, who looks like the Trix Bunny and Jaidyn, who is fat! Actually, they’re all kind of fat and unappealing- both in drag and out of it. The only one who can get it is Pearl.

For the mini challenge the queens were tasked with a runway show to show off their best fall and spring looks. The best part of it all was Alaska’s take on Anna Wintour. The mini challenge did show us which queens have an innate fashion sense and which ones don’t have any grasp of it. Max, Violet, Miss Fame, and Pearl are the most fashionable of the group. Katya, Jaidyn, Trixie and Kandie are in the middle and the rest of the queens are pretty awful. Props to Sasha walking down the runway looking like something off the Red Lobster menu!

For the main challenge, the queens were asked give their best nude illusion. Most of them were okay, but not great. Jasmine was laughably bad and Sasha was awful. I don’t know why but I hate nude illusions, maybe it’s because it made them all look like saran wrapped turkeys. Anyways, Tempest and Kandie ended up in the bottom and Tempest sashayed away. It was great. Let’s hope this season gets better as it goes along.

QUEEN RANKING

PEARL: I like Pearl, she’s punk and I kind of dig her whole “I’m from NYC and I’m gonna put a cigarette out on you” aesthetic. It’s refreshing to see. She’s also pretty hot, so there’s that.

KATYA: Does Katya have the best fashion sense? No. Is she fucking funny? Yes. Katya is the most likable queen in the competition right now and that’s important given how much personality matters. She seems like she’ll be able to handle the acting challenges, which means she’ll be a strong contender for the crown.

MAX: Okay, love how none of the judges caught Max’s subtle homage to Dame Gaga in the main challenge. I actually enjoy Max’s old Hollywood fashion sense, it reads as almost being editorial. But at the same time- her accent is pretty awful and in a competition like this where the queens are expected to speak from time to time, I can see her getting old fast.

MISS FAME: Miss Fame is extremely polished and she’s a perfectionist like Raja and Chad Michaels. But her whole “I’m a brand” shtick is obnoxious and she seems like she may take herself too seriously. I’m not sure if she’ll have the acting chops and personality needed to win this competition.

VIOLET: Violet’s style is a little costumey but put together nonetheless. She’s a pretty queen who seems to have prepared a lot for this competition. If she can act and learn how to not be a super mega bitch, she may even do well!

TRIXIE: Let’s be honest, Trixie looks like crocodile India Ferrah. But she is a makeup artist and I think she simply chooses to look this way. Either way, at least it’s refreshing. I think Trixie is unique enough to make an impression on the judges and I think that if she can give them what they want without compromising her style that she’ll survive for a while.

JAIDYN: Jaidyn is a pretty queen with a big personality, which is important in a competition like this. And I think she’s smart enough and secure in her own body that she won’t ever walk down the runway wearing a potato sack like Darienne Lake.

GINGER MINJ: #beanbagchair

KANDIE: You’re not that pretty, you’re not that smart, and you’re not that special. Can we please swap you with April Carrion?

KENNEDY: Apparently Kennedy is a good dancer; she is from the house of Davenport after all. And…okay, mini rant time. RIP Sahara Davenport, but God, who gives a shit about being a Davenport? Being a Davenport is like being the proud owner of a 1991 mini wagon- kind of embarrassing.  It sounds mean but like it’s true, Sahara was a boring ballerina. Also Kennedy looks like a literal hob goblin out of drag. I’m not impressed.

JASMINE: LOL LOL UR NOT A BUTTERFLY GO HOME PLZ.

SASHA, TEMPEST, and OTHER QUEEN WHOSE NAME ESCAPES ME: In case I don’t see you, good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight.