1.) You haven’t fully shaved your nether regions in months
What’s the point of wasting time shaving or dealing with razor burn if nobody’s going down there any time soon? And if anyone has anything to say about it, just say “BUSH IS BACK, BITCH!” and punch them right in the throat.
2. You have horrible sex swings
When you haven’t had sex in months you start to experience overwhelming sex mood swings. One minute you hate sex and never want to touch another human being for as long as you live and the next minute you just want a lumberjack to break down the door and take you to church a la Hozier.
3. You have anxiety about sex.
If you go long enough without having sex you start to question whether or not you still know how to do it. You begin to worry about how your future partner will judge your performance or how you’ll just inevitably embarrass yourself. And it’s like, if things go bad you can always just murder whoever you’re having sex with and dissolve their body in acid. You just may go to prison as a result.
4. You get aroused by the strangest things.
Normal every day things start to seem strangely sexual. That man eating a banana on the subway starts to seem like he’s putting a private show on for you and hearing your hot coworker talk about mowing his lawn makes you incredibly hot and bothered. It’s like random boners in middle school all over again, except now you can go to prison if someone spots you with one.
5. You ask your friends all about their sex life so you can live vicariously through them.
Newsflash, only ask people about their sex life if they’re the type of person to talk freely about sex. If you hear the mousy girl in your class say that her boyfriend visited DO NOT go and say “oh my god did you guys have sex? Does he look you in the eyes during it? What’s his ‘O face’ look like?” It’ll end badly.
6.) You feel compelled to lie about the last time you had sex.
If you’ve gone more than three months without having sex, you probably have lied about the last time you did it. I know I have and I’m not entirely sure why. It’s not as if I’m so disgusting that I couldn’t find someone to have sex with me because I totally could. It’s just that- I think people subconsciously fear that other people actually think that “if you don’t use it you lose it” is a legitimate thing. I swear people-everything is still functioning…as far as I know.
7.) You embrace your dark side.
Potential romantic partners/sex buddies make you feel the need to actually act like a real human being. You exercise more often, put more effort into your appearance, and try to act classy enough that you’ll get porked. But when you’ve gone six months without having sex you really just don’t give a shit anymore. You start to care less about farting audibly in front of your peers and realize that showering once a day is really just a superfluous notion invented by Liberals. You become both a literal and figurative troll and for some reason are perfectly okay with that.
8.) You’ve masturbated enough to know that the whole “you’ll go blind if you masturbate too much” thing is totally bullshit.
I mean if that was true, I would have been Stevie Wonder back in October.