1. The girl who says “I live for” the following items: Starbucks, Lily Pulitzer, Kate Spade or Lululemon
I once overheard a girl say she “lived for” the Baskin Robbin coffee flavors at Dunkin Donuts. I immediately wept for womankind.
2. The girl who says “I don’t do drama” and then starts 95% of the drama in her friend group.
There’s a special place in Hell reserved for these women.
3. The girl who takes incredibly artistic or morose Instagram pictures to mask her surprisingly dull personality OR WORSE Instagrams everything she eats.
Acting like your life is the worst, when in fact you are super privileged, DOES NOT MAKE YOU INTERESTING!
4. The girl who thinks the way to win a boy’s affection is by being overly aggressive in public or acting as if she’s offended by EVERY thing he says just to have an excuse to hit him (touch his biceps). Also included in this- every girl who acts dumber than she actually is as an attempt to win over a guy.
Men are smarter than you think, so don’t play dumb.
5. The girl who wears 400 dollar gym outfits but NEVER actually exercises in them. This also includes the girl who takes over the mat yet does nothing on it but play with her phone.
If you go to the gym and don’t actually move at any point, were you even really there?
6. The girl who says “Oh my god, I’ve missed you! We should totally hang out soon” despite knowing full well said interaction will never occur.
Girl, let’s not lie to each other. We are NEVER EVER getting back together.
7. Every girl who acts like she’s best friends with her suite mate but does nothing but talk shit about her behind her back.
PLAY NICE, FUCKERS!
8. The girl who thinks her womanhood is an excuse to slut-shame other ladies. While we’re at it, let’s also throw in the girls who claim to be feminists yet don’t accept Trans women.
You all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it ok for guys to call you sluts and whores.
9. The girl who wears an EXTREMELY bright lip color early in the morning (basically every single hipster girl in college.)
It’s 7 am AKA too damn early for your visual assault upon my eyes.
10. The girl who will dump her friends at a moment’s notice for a guy with a pencil dick.
Peenies are only temporary! Friends are forever.
11. The girl who makes a Snapchat story every time she takes a shot or chugs a beer.
Congratulations, you can drink me under a table. Now crawl under a rock.
12. The girl who says we’ll be leaving at 10:30 to go to the club but isn’t ready to head out until 11:30.
I know time is supposed to be relative, but DAMN BITCH MOVE!
13. The girl who always asks you to be free for her semi-formal in the off chance that she can’t find a date (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, MUFFIN HEADS!)
I have proven time and time again that I am a *wonderful* date. I should always be your first option, bitch-unless you can find a guy who will bang you after the dance…because I can’t do that for you.
14. The girl who considers a trip to a bar to be a fail if someone doesn’t purchase a drink for her.
What part of feminism is buying women drinks?
15. The girl who waits 2 months to do her laundry and then takes over the room for an ENTIRE day.
TAKE YOUR THONGS OUTTA HERE SO I CAN WASH MY BASIC TEES PURCHASED AT TARGET!
16. The girl who thinks her natural beauty is an excuse to treat everyone around her like shit.
Beauty is only temporary but locking you in the trunk of a car and pushing it over a cliff is foreva.
17. The girl who thinks of gay guys as lap dogs because she never met a homo until they moved here from Bumfuck, Ohio and her only knowledge of them is what she learned watching Bravo.
Don’t call us fierce or fabulous, or I will release a fierce and fabulous cheetah on you.
18. The girl who CANNOT handle her alcohol and makes sure that everyone else in the bar knows that, either by puking on everything or trying to pick a fight with any random person.
This ain’t Flavor of Love, you ain’t New York, so sit your bandeaux skirt wearing ass DOWN.