As someone with no real discernible talents, I’ve grown to accept the fact not all of us are #blessed with special gifts. While some people can sing, dance, or dribble a basketball between their legs, some of us can barely function, let alone do anything particularly exciting or useful. Being talent-less can be quite the bummer, especially at holiday parties or job interviews when people constantly ask what’s special about you, but fear not! I’ve come up with a list of obscure talents you can tell people you possess to shut down the haters and naysayers.
10.) Quote Regurgitation
Being able to incorporate a Mean Girls quote into everyday conversation is an impressive talent; it showcases memorization skills, a nuanced understanding of situational humor, and the acute ability to make people think you’re funny without having anything original to say. The next time your Aunt Carol asks what you’re good at just say “BUT YOU LOVE LADYSMITH BLACK MAMBAZO” and walk away; chances are she’ll be blown away.
9.) Fruit Peeling
Some people can peel mango with injuring themselves or others; I’m not one of those people, so let’s raise a glass to those bitches!
8.) Dog Whispering
This is a great talent to have because it is both obscure and difficult to disprove. If any of your cousins ever try to mock you by pointing out your lack of talent say you’re a grade A dog whisperer! And then get down on the ground and whisper into their basset hound’s ears until they leave you the fuck alone.
Being able to lie in bed for over 12 hours without getting up to go to the bathroom or eat is actually super impressive. It takes real talent to do nothing.
6.) Endurance Showering
Some people can run 22 miles; others can spend 2 hours in the shower without becoming bored or overly pruned. Who am I to say which person is more gifted?
5.) Evolutionary Adaptation
From an evolutionary standpoint, humans with nothing to offer should have died out by now, yet here we are! Being able to convince people you’re worthwhile when you actually aren’t is resourceful and laudable. Just ask Katie Holmes.
4.) Extreme Netflixing
Not everyone can watch an entire season of Orange Is The New Black in one sitting without having a mental breakdown. Extreme Netflixing shows your ability to process high volumes of content in short periods of time and get the most monetarily out of your TV watching.
If you can trick people into losing their shit, you’re a genius. Trolls are the masters of two things that make them the most desirable of romantic partners: emotional manipulation and deception. And if it weren’t for them Reddit wouldn’t exist so they deserve out respect.
2.) Extreme Carbo-loading
I’m not a sports person, but as far as I know a sport is something that has some level of competition involved in it, and if there are hot dog eating competitions there should be carb eating contests as well. People who can eat two full baskets of bread at Cheesecake Factory and then still have the stomach room to eat cheesecake deserve medals too!
1.) Advanced Shit-Talking
If it’s true that nice people finish last then I guess it’s safe to say mean people finish first. Shit-talking is something that everyone does, but it takes a true artist to do it effectively. It involves being able to say mean things without seeming like an asshole and it requires inventive humor and insight to come up with original insults. There’s a reason why we worship Regina George; she’s the queen bee of Advanced Shit-Talking.