If you’re a frequent reader of my blog you’ve noticed that roughly 90% of the posts I write are gay related, whether they be focused on LGBTQ+ issues or RuPaul’s Drag Race queens. Ever since I came out in 2011 I’ve embraced my gay identity and I have been a lot happier and more open with whom I am as a person, and I am incredibly proud and honored to be part of the LGBTQ+ community. I have to be honest, however, and admit that I feel very confused regarding my sexual orientation. I’ve never been a very sexual person, but I’m becoming less and less so with each passing day. I am still attracted to men on a basic level, but I never really desire sex or anything of that nature, nor am I truly interested in having a romantic relationship with a man. Part of me thinks that I could just be going through some period of sexual latency or that I’m simply too distracted by the things going on my life to really think about men, but I don’t know anymore.
I’ve always had a complicated relationship with men; I’m attracted to them but I find it difficult to romantically connect with most of them. The closest relationships I have are with platonic gay male friends and straight women, and sometimes I think I’d prefer to just spend the rest of my life with one of those two groups. My female friends have loved and supported me greatly throughout my life, and occasionally I feel like I love them more than a normal friend should. I’m not sexually attracted to them, but I’m emotionally attracted to them, if that even makes sense. I feel like I exist in some weird grey area where my brain can’t decide what I want and it can be quite frustrating and confusing.
Whenever I articulate these feelings it’s always in the context of a joke. I find it difficult to be be honest about how I feel because I’ve spent so long constructing a social identity that I’m afraid I don’t really know who I am without it. To an extent, I’ve pigeonholed myself into the role of the sassy, self deprecating gay kid, and I don’t know if people would get it if I tried to be something else. I also don’t want to make people feel confused or uncomfortable with how I view myself. I don’t want my female friends to feel uncomfortable; I also don’t want to have people call me regressive. Because regardless of whether or not I’m strictly gay, I’m still a member of the LGBTQ+ community, and just because I don’t fit into some clear-cut box doesn’t mean that how I feel is any less real.
Whether or not we truly want to admit it, there are expectations that come with being gay. I’m supposed to be fashionable and pop culture savvy. I’m supposed to be obsessed with my appearance and have out of control hormones, and it’s like, if I don’t embody all of those things I’m not truly “gay.” I also can’t help but feel that people view the coming out process as a one and done thing; it is okay to go from straight to gay, but once you are gay you are forever stuck in that category. We, as a society, are SO obsessed with rigidifying everything from gender to sexual orientation that we freak out when things are atypical. Being gay or lesbian is okay, but if you identify with something else in the spectrum, you’re seen as being trendy or just plain difficult.
I don’t know what I am and it’s frustrating to know that people will label me as one thing or another. I identify with the LGBTQ+ community but I don’t know what letter I fall under. Maybe I’m asexual, or maybe I’m queer, or maybe I just don’t give a flying fuck about the specifics. There’s nothing wrong with not knowing what you want; I am twenty two years old and it’s 2015, I am in no way obligated to date or give my dowry to anyone anytime soon. If I choose not to have sex with men that does not mean that I’m a “prude” or that I’m overly selective, it means that I have decided that I don’t want that at the moment. Hell, if I want to date a girl, I can date a girl (I don’t think I want to date one anytime soon, but that’s beside the point.) If I like having sex with men but don’t feel attracted to them in an emotional sense, that’s okay, and vice versa. How I feel or don’t feel is no way an attack on the ways in which other people live their lives. And maybe not knowing what I want right now isn’t a bad thing; it gives me time to focus on my future and cultivate my friendships and familial relationships. If someone I don’t know asks me if I’m gay I’ll mostly say, “yes” to save some time, but we shouldn’t make people feel bad for saying “I don’t really know what I am.” There is beauty in uncertainty and unconventional things and we should accept those things rather than reject them.