As an avid fan of almost every Real Housewives franchise, I am a firm believer that all of the women should win Pulitzer prizes for their literary contributions (taglines) to society. Here is a list of original taglines that I’ve created along with my BFF Taylor so that you too can feel like a booze bag housewife:
1. I’m homeless, but only because I lost my keys and my husband isn’t returning my calls.
2. Payback is a bitch, so start barking.
3. (Insert city) is my playground and I call the swings.
4. When you hang around the queen bee you’re bound to get stung.
5. I may be poor now, but things will be looking up as soon as I figure out my ex-husband’s Bank of America password.
6. The secret to my success? Infanticide.
7. Life’s a roast, and I’m the slut pig.
8. Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy silence.
9. I evade basic bitches like I evade my taxes.
10. People ask me why my marriage is so good…it’s because my husband has Alzheimer’s and thinks that I’m Marilyn Monroe.
11. A woman’s power comes from being able to deny sex AND threaten deportation.
12. Diamonds aren’t a girls best friend- her gay hairdresser Carlos is.
13. My secret to staying thin? Always abort during the first trimester.
14. I may not have a fully functioning liver, but I can still drink you under the table.
15. Call me a bad server because I always spill the tea.
16. I may be broke because of poor financial management, but I’ll always be rich in family.
17. My one piece of advice: beat your face like you beat your assistant.
18. Some people think I’m a sociopath. They would be right.
19. Apparently I have children? This is news to me…
20. Friends may come and go, but plastic surgery is forever.
21. The key to a good marriage is having your husband’s mistress on speed dial.
22. People call me a slut….I would respond but there’s a dick in my mouth.