As an avid fan of almost every Real Housewives franchise, I am a firm believer that all of the women should win Pulitzer prizes for their literary contributions (taglines) to society. Here is a list of original taglines that I’ve created along with my BFF Taylor so that you too can feel like a booze bag housewife:

1. I’m homeless, but only because I lost my keys and my husband isn’t returning my calls.

2. Payback is a bitch, so start barking.

3. (Insert city) is my playground and I call the swings.

4. When you hang around the queen bee you’re bound to get stung.

5. I may be poor now, but things will be looking up as soon as I figure out my ex-husband’s Bank of America password.

6. The secret to my success? Infanticide.

7. Life’s a roast, and I’m the slut pig.

8. Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy silence.

9. I evade basic bitches like I evade my taxes.

10. People ask me why my marriage is so good…it’s because my husband has Alzheimer’s and thinks that I’m Marilyn Monroe.

11. A woman’s power comes from being able to deny sex AND threaten deportation.

12. Diamonds aren’t a girls best friend- her gay hairdresser Carlos is.

13. My secret to staying thin? Always abort during the first trimester.

14. I may not have a fully functioning liver, but I can still drink you under the table.

15. Call me a bad server because I always spill the tea.

16. I may be broke because of poor financial management, but I’ll always be rich in family.

17. My one piece of advice: beat your face like you beat your assistant.

18. Some people think I’m a sociopath. They would be right.

19. Apparently I have children? This is news to me…

20. Friends may come and go, but plastic surgery is forever.

21. The key to a good marriage is having your husband’s mistress on speed dial.

22. People call me a slut….I  would respond but there’s a dick in my mouth.