1. The Gilmore Girls Diet
Call your mom whenever you’re hungry and make sure you guzzle down at least three large coffees over the duration of the call. If you don’t reference at least five obscure pop culture topics (books, music, movies) you lose your eating privileges for the week.
2. The Sex and the City Diet
Move to NYC to become Carrie Bradshaw and replace all meals with cigarettes.
3. The Orange is the New Black Diet
If it’s not orange trust no bitch and don’t fucking eat it.
4. The Pretty Little Liars Diet
Take an apple and section it into 6 pieces, but only allow yourself to eat one section per year….even if that fucker gets rotten. Wait until waiting seems useless and hopeless, and when your spirit is finally broken, allow yourself to eat that fucking apple shred and accept that you wasted the best years of your life on a piece of fruit.
5. The Real Housewives Diet
Replace all meals with skinny girl vodka and Xanax.
6. The Girls Diet
Ride around on the subway in nothing but a yellow mesh top. If you can go walk into your shitty apartment at the end of the day without completely hating yourself, eat one hard boiled egg.
7. The Bachelorette Diet
Surround yourself with 15 beautiful men who will constantly compliment you, and know in the back of your head that beauty is fleeting and that all love is conditional. Drink rose water.
8. The Big Brother Diet
Whenever you feel compelled to eat imagine that millions of people are watching your every move, and instead of eating just pretend that everyone around you is out to “backdoor” you and focus on the panic that ensues after that instead of the hunger pangs.
9. The Inside Amy Schumer Diet
Your diet has to be social commentary with splashes of feminism in each meal. It’s not a perfect diet, but it’s working on it.
10. The Barefoot Contessa Diet
Allow yourself one of the two following things to eat: butter or vanilla extract collected by migrant workers from Madagascar. And remember- STORE BOUGHT IS NEVER FUCKING OKAY!
11. The My Strange Addiction Diet
Each week pick a different strange food addiction and commit to eating solely that thing. For the best results start with your husband’s ashes; if your husband isn’t dead or you don’t have one because you’re undesirable, simply borrow ashes from a neighbor or use a pet’s.
12. The Breaking Bad Diet
Instead of cooking things like pasta or chicken, cook meth! It’s a great low cal option with an energy boost for those days when you’re feeling just a little too sluggish.
13. The Mad Men Diet
Similar to the Sex and the City diet, but unnecessarily gendered for men who feel their diet is lacking misogyny.
14. The Law & Order Diet
Make an entire four course meal and place it on your table. Spend the next three hours interrogating said meal and then flip the table.
15. The View Diet
Invite your four closest female friends over to bicker about topics you know nothing about. Every time you feel compelled to stress eat, just start yelling nonsensical things or imagine strangling Candace Cameron Bure to death.
Is this why I'm still single? 