10 Signs You’re No Longer Capable of Being A College Student

1.) You now say “It was so nice to see you” instead of “We should hang out soon!!”

The former phrase is a great one to use because it politely states that you have no intention of ever seeing this fucking person again. Because let’s face it, you two will never actually hang out, so why not just walk away from the conversation honestly?

 

2.) If the spot on campus you were headed to is even remotely crowded you respond by saying, “Fuck this shit”, before heading home.

Oh there’s fifteen people in the student center? Better go and study in my bed.

3.) You are actually incapable of speaking to anyone before your morning coffee.

I don’t care if you’re my mom, my teacher or the goddamn Pope, if I haven’t ingested caffeine yet I will not speak to you. I will pretend that I don’t know you, and deal with how rude it was to do that at a different time.

4.) When people ask you how your semester is going you respond with “Fine”, “It’s Whatever”, “I don’t know”, or with just a guttural growl.

I’ve quit every extra curricular activity I used to do, hate all of my classes, think college is an unnecessary and oppressive institution, and spend all of my free time Netflix-ing by myself. How do you think my semester is going?

5.) This is your response when someone asks you to attend an on campus event with them:

There is not enough money in the world you could pay me to go to that fucking atrocity of an a capella show.

6.) This is your response when someone asks you how you feel on the inside:

I consider every day I change my underwear to be a small victory.

7.) Your idea of “pre-gaming” is drinking alone in your apartment and then never actually going out.

If God really wanted us to go out and drink with other people, why did he make double bottles of wine so affordable?

8.) You genuinely enjoy doing your laundry on the weekend because it provides you with an excuse to not see any other human beings.

It’s not that I hate you, it’s just that I’d rather watch my clothes spin around and around in a metal box for 40 minutes than have to spend time with you.

9. You fluctuate dramatically between wanting to get good grades and not giving a flying fuck about any of your courses.

So like in theory I want to have a good GPA, but I also don’t want to do any homework assignment like ever again.

10.) You have made the active choice to not make any new friends or meet any fucking freshmen because that requires too much effort and emotional energy.

I’m more than content with only having five friends, and if I see a freshman on campus or one tries to talk to me, I will not acknowledge their presence. I will act as if they don’t fucking exist- that sounds like a joke, but it’s true- I will literally keep walking and act is if I have no idea that they’re even there.

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