1.) Is Lady Gaga playing a character? Are we sure she’s not just an immortal vampire who keeps Aryan children locked in a bunker in real life?

2.) I’m all for gender expression and fluidity, but why on Earth has no one one commented on the fact that the bartender is someone who goes by the name Liz Taylor?

3.) What kind of fashion line does Will Drake (Cheyenne Jackson) run? It looks like extra wardrobe from the “Sk8er Boi” music video.

4.) IS SARAH PAULSON A FUCKING GHOST OR NAH? Why can everyone see and touch her?! Why does she always play the most insufferable character? Is it unintentional or is Sarah Paulson just insufferable???

5.) In what world would Dandy Mott be a famous runway model? I mean he’s good looking, but…….

6.) HOW DID MR. MARCH (EVEN PETERS) SHOOT SOMEONE?!  Can ghosts carry gun licenses? Is everyone behind the NRA a ghost??

7.) If you go through a whole episode of AHS without seeing one god awful fish eye lens shot, are you even watching AHS?

8.) WHERE IS ANGELA BASSETT?

9.) Are Lady Gaga’s mutant vamp babies playing “Tetris” in their bunker? Why can’t they play “Angry Birds”, Gaga?

10.) Why is Chloe Sevigny in this season? Did she need a paycheck? Is her character description literally just “frumpy mom”?

11.) Who let Matt Bomer be THAT sexy?

12.) What do the Yelp reviews about this place say? Is Hotel Cortez named after the Cortez family from Spy Kids?

13.) Did Naomi Campbell throw her cell phone at anyone on set? Why didn’t Tyra Banks get that role instead? WHY WAS AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL CANCELED?

14.) Why is Emma Roberts going to be in this season and not Taissa Farmiga? Do we really need Emma Roberts on two television shows this fall?

15.) When will Jessica Lange come back so this season can just be an erotic lesbian romance between her and Gaga?