1.) Summon a demon
What better time to dabble in the demonic arts than Halloween? With this easy tutorial, you too can learn how to summon demons and inflict pain and suffering on all of the loathsome fuckboys who’ve toyed with your emotions. Just keep in mind that I didn’t fully read this article and that I take zero responsibility for any evil entities you accidentally bring about by engaging in such an activity.
2.) Prank call the elderly
I long for the days of yore when children would prank call each other on the phone and make bad jokes about Prince Albert, which has a completely different meaning now. It’s a bummer that landline phones are virtually extinct because it’s sort of ruined prank calling, but don’t fret! Elderly people still have them! So get into the holiday spirit by finding a Yellow Pages, calling every Marguerite/Herbert/Ruth/Ginger in it, and tormenting them over the phone a la Scream. Bonus points if you make any of them cry!
3.) Start a Kickstarter for Kimberly J. Brown
Remember that time they replaced her with Sara Paxton? By not boycotting Return To Halloweentown we were complicit in this crime against humanity. Let’s atone for our sins and raise money for our girl KJB and get her back to Halloweentown, or at least get her a decent meal.
4.) Reenact Weekend at Bernie’s
If you don’t have the corpse of a former boss, family member, or friend readily available, digging one up is perfectly fine! Just make sure the corpse is relatively fresh, you don’t want to have to deal with maggots or limbs detaching. Bring your “friend” with you to all of your Halloween social events and prop them up in embarrassing positions and Instagram it!
*Sprawl Bill’s dead body across the sidewalk and place a slice of pizza on his face. Caption it, “Bill goes hard #slicelife #halloweener#pizzafratrat*
5.) Send Christina Ricci fan mail!
Charity work isn’t only for the Christmas season.
6.) Walk around and say “Oh my god, I love your costume!” to people who are clearly not wearing costumes.
This is the perfect activity for people who get off on making others feel bad about themselves! Walk up to people who appear to be self conscious and say this phrase; at first they’ll be confused, but then they’ll get that you’re making fun of them. They’ll most likely laugh it off, but at least you’ll feel better for having made someone’s day a little more intolerable.
7.) Argue with someone over whether or not Nightmare Before Christmas is a Halloween movie or Christmas movie.
Spoiler alert: the correct answer is “I DON’T SUPPORT TIM BURTON AND HIS GARBAGE!!”
8.) Carve the face of your ex boyfriend into a pumpkin and record yourself smashing said ex boyfriend pumpkin on camera.
Halloween is not only scary and threatening; it’s cathartic.
9.) Jump around saying “Amuck”, “Amuck”, “Amuck”
Are you trying to shed a couple pounds to better fit into your Halloween costume, but find your current exercise regimen boring? Instead of going on a simple run on the treadmill try manically jumping around while saying “Amuck” over and over. By invoking the spirit of Sarah Jessica Parker you can actually burn double the calories of a normal workout!
10.) Skip classes for the week and lay in bed all day every day eating candy and watching Goosebumps.
Nothing says “Happy Holidays” like giving up on everything and accepting that life is meaningless and weight gain and poor coping mechanisms are inescapable.