1.) List “reading”, “movies”, or “food” as actual interests.
Have we made such a nosedive as a society that people actually find literacy and food consumption to be desirable and unexpected traits in a potential partner? Might as well include “breathing air” and “brushing your teeth” while you’re at it.
2.) Include someone hotter than you in your pictures.
I don’t get how folks are still fucking this one up. People, the key to appearing attractive is surrounding yourself with uglier people! If you look like the spitting image of Danny DeVito DO NOT upload pictures of yourself with a guy who looks like Ryan Reynolds. It will not end well.
3.) Have anything resembling the phrase, “Looking for someone to share an adventure”
Why don’t we start off with coffee? And while we’re at, it’s fucking November in Massachusetts, what the hell kind of adventure do you wanna go on right now?
4.) Have more than one photo with a pet.
One photo is cute. Two photos is borderline bestiality.
5.) Include your Snapchat handle.
This just screams, “Add me so I can send you pictures of my butt hole.”
6.) Only have group photos.
I don’t play want to play Where’s Waldo, nor am I looking to get tag teamed by your entire rowing team…at least not at this current moment in time. If I can’t immediately determine who you are then you can be sure as hell I’m not going to waste my time.
7.) Explicitly state your racist and/or sexist preferences.
Let’s start off by saying slight Kudos for being brave enough to reveal just how truly awful you are to the world. With that being noted, NO ONE WANTS TO DATE A RACIST/MISOGYNISTIC PIECE OF TRASH! Saying you’re looking for “wife material” or that you’re only into white girls will not get you laid, it’ll get you punched directly in the throat.
8.) Only have selfies on your profile.
I hate to break it to you people, but it’s pretty much common knowledge that most people don’t actually look like their selfies. So while you may think that your profile looks awesome, visitors are probably thinking you’re either a self obsessed twit, or a deeply insecure person trying his or her best to hide the fact that they look like Igor.
9.) List your height and weight.
Unless you’re 3’5 or 8’7 I don’t really need to know your height. And I’m pretty sure I’m not your doctor, so you can probably keep your weight to yourself because I am definitely not telling you mine.
10.) Write an autobiography
All I really need to know about you is what you do or where you go to school and one remotely interesting fact about yourself. I don’t need to know that you were raised by two loving moms in rural Vermont and that you love to finger paint and that you were planning on voting for Bernie Sanders, but decided against that because you think Hilary Clinton is a more feasible candidate although you’re still iffy on her Transatlantic Pipeline stance, nor do I need to know that you JUST love mac and cheese and that you have an eclectic taste in music, which is just a pretentious way of saying “I JUST LOVE 2 MANY SONGS”- please, spare us all and just shut the fuck up.