The 9 Greatest Things About Being Sex-Free

1.) No razor bumps!

Say goodbye to this:

Take all the time you’d spend on self-grooming and devote it to a new hobby like macrame or necromancy! If no one’s going below the below the belt then there’s no reason to trim the hedges!

2.) No complications!

Being abstinent means being able to avoid conversations about your relationship status, or any feelings of jealousy or neediness that can often arise after banging someone. There’s a reason the movies No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits exist! Sex is SO effin complicated.

3.) No spending!

No longer will you have to spend your hard earned paycheck trying to “wine and dine” someone into your bed. Save that money for a new nose, or buy as much fucking Thai takeout as you want!

4.) No mess!

Fluids are nasty and washing sheets takes effort.

5.) No health scares!

Unless you’re me, odds are you won’t get an STI while abstinent! Rest easy knowing you’re in good health!

6.) Moral superiority!

God doesn’t let sloppy whores into Heaven. Even Jesus’ BFFE Mary Magdalene ended up in Purgatory.

7.) More bed space!

Sleep is the most sacred thing on Earth. By avoiding coitus you can give your bed the love it deserves and get a full night of sleep. Gone are the nights of trying to push an oversized orangutan of a man or woman off you!

8.) No distractions!

Let’s be honest, sex is arguably the MOST distracting thing ever. I mean think about how much men could actually accomplish if they spent half as much time thinking about the equity of all people as they do about porking Gigi Hadid! Being sex-free makes focusing on the important things a whole lot easier.

9.) More ice cream!

Odds are if you’re not having sex, you’re either SO happy about it that you’re eating cartons of Ben & Jerry’s, or SO devastated you’re eating cartons of Ben & Jerry’s. Either way, ice cream!

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