1.) Your go-to question is “are you gonna eat that?”

I’m not afraid to fat shame you into giving me your food.

2.) You consider leaving food on your plate to be a crime against humanity.

It would be downright disrespectful not to eat everything on this plate and lick it clean.

3.) You will suffer through any activity or interaction if it means free food.

Becky is an insufferable whore, but I heard her party’s going to have a dessert plater, so I will be in attendance.

4.) You know that the concept of three meals a day is just liberal propaganda perpetuated by that warmonger Michelle Obama.

Breakfast, lunch, and dinner? More like Breakfast, Lunch 1, Lunch 2, Dinner, and Late Night.

5.) You take every “all you can eat” dining scenario as a personal challenge.

You underestimate my abilities. Soon all of your sushi will be in my stomach, and you will know how foolish your business model was.

6.) You’ve thrown food in the dumpster and then went back to retrieve it.

I love myself…it’s just that I love food more.

7.) You have a stomach of steel.

Bring on all the dairy, red meat, and fried food! And maybe some antacids, just in case.

8.) Watching you eat is like watching an anaconda swallow a goat whole.

I don’t chew, I just unhinge my jaw and devour everything in sight.

9.) You are vehemently against sharing food.

Just because you don’t want to pig out on onion rings doesn’t mean I’m obligated to split a plate with you, wench!

10.) If someone invites you out to dinner your response is and will always be “I can eat”-even if you’ve just eaten ten minutes earlier.

I know I just ate, but I’ll be hungry in ten minutes probably.