18 Guys You Meet in College (As Described by Pokemon)

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1.) Typhlosion AKA “ The Frat Douche”

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Typhlosion is the frat guy who ignores you at the party, but still thinks it’s okay to text you “u up?” at 2:30 in the morning. He’s cocky without having anything to back it up, questionable in bed, and yet you still sleep with him because he has a penis and alcohol encourages you to make poor decisions.

2.) Houndoom AKA “The Bad Boy”

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You know that hot guy who you’d let put a cigarette out on you for some reason? That’s Houndoom. He’s hotheaded, mysterious, and he’s got an undeniable swagger and sense of danger that makes him super appealing. He’s great at sex, but the worst possible option for anything long-term.

3.)Garbodor AKA “The Walking Dumpster”

Garbodor is every disgusting guy you’ve ever encountered at a college bar. He’s lewd, aggressive, unattractive- there’s pretty much nothing redeemable about him. He won’t get the hint when you turn him down, and he’ll try to pull every nasty trick in the book to get you to sleep with him. He’s a garbage person…literally.

4.) Machoke AKA “The Gym Rat”

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Machoke is the guy at the gym who has breasts comparable to that of Pamela Anderson’s. He lives and breathes cross-fit, eats 5,000 calories a day, and has difficulty talking about anything other than training. He’s hot, but doesn’t really care about anything beyond MMA and his biceps, so don’t expect any meaningful connection.

5.) Slaking AKA “The Entitled Rich Kid”

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Slaking is the over-privileged, incredibly pretentious guy who thinks he deserves the world without having to do an ounce of work.. He’s a die hard Republican who can’t stand differing opinions, and loves to spout anti-feminist/homophobic/racist hatred just because he can. Do not fraternize with this fucker!

6.) Simisage AKA “The Stoner”

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Simisage always has a spliff in his mouth. He’s a chill pot-smoker who is eager to share his stuff and participate in worldly conversations while high. He’s good-natured, a little lazy, and always down for a bag of Munchies. Don’t expect to him ever be on time though.

7.) Dragonite AKA “Dad”

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Dragonite is the dad of your friend group. He’s well-organized, a little dorky, and incredibly kind. He’s always looking out for his friends, and has the best of intentions. He’s the guy you would never sleep with, but would definitely consider marrying.

8.) Absol AKA “The Artist”

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Absol is the brooding and tortured artist. He loves talking in indecipherable metaphors, explaining world politics, and anything having to do with performance art. He never jokes, and he’s always dressed to the nines.

9.) Malamar AKA “The Axe Murderer”

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You know that guy you occasionally make awkward eye contact with on campus, but have never talked to? The one who you secretly fear will one day abduct you, chop you up into a million pieces, and eat your liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti? That’s this guy-and he’s watching you.

10.) Ninetales AKA “The Perfect Guy”

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Ninetales is the distractingly beautiful guy who will never notice you. He’s athletic, wealthy, intelligent, and has everything going for him. The only conversations you will ever have with him will be in your head.

 

11.) Slowpoke AKA “The Idiot”

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Slowpoke is the guy who’s so stupid it actually makes you question how he got into any college let alone yours. He’s the one who asks you what the homework is every day, the one who makes group projects a living hell, and while he may not have bad intentions, you can’t help but hate him.

12.) Mr. Mime AKA “The Class Clown”

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Mr. Mime is the guy who will do anything for the joke. He’ll embarrass himself in public, scream at the top of his lungs, and tire you out with his attempts to be the center of attention. He may be annoying at times, but he’s always good for a laugh and is an appreciated dose of corniness.

13.) Venonat AKA “The Gamer Nerd”

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Venonat loves PAX and Comic Con. He’s extremely intelligent, but lacks the confidence or social skills to engage with people unlike him. Guys like him are either really sweet, or incredibly misogynistic- it’s a mixed bag. Either kind is generally lacking a bit in the hygiene department and somewhat unattractive.

14.) Scrafty AKA  “The Hipster”

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Not to be confused with “The Artist”, Scrafty is the guy who loves organic everything, local bands, and whatever social justice movement is popular at the time. He’s alternative and moody, but underneath his persona he’s a good guy. Be warned though- he reeks of sandalwood and cigarettes.

15.) Flaafy AKA “The Dapper Homosexual”

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While this list is mostly focused on straight guy generalizations, we need to include one homosexual, and that homosexual is Flaafy! Flaafy is the well-dressed, polished gay guy who has his life way more put together than you do. He’s intelligent and driven, but sometimes a bit too focused on keeping up appearances.

16.) Hypno AKA “The Business Guy”

Hypno is the guy who focuses all of his energy on investing and accruing capital. He’s  straight-laced and extremely methodical. He doesn’t mind putting in long hours at the office, and he’s most likely the president of the Entrepreneur’s Club or Business Club. He may not have a social life or any sense of self, but his work ethic is admirable.

17.)  Eevee AKA “The Freshman”

Eevee is the new kid on campus. He’s sweet, naive, and incapable of seeing anything but the best in other people. He needs to have his hand held to an extent, and he’s definitely immature, but he’s got a good heart and he’s just too darn adorable to hate.

18.) Floatzel AKA “The Outdoorsy Dude”

Floatzel loves long hikes, kombucha, and anything purchased at REI. He’s paleo, but doesn’t make a big deal out of it, and he’ll wear puffer jackets regardless of the weather. His lifelong dream is to build a cabin in Vermont and spend his days catching fish with his bare hands.

 

 

 

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