16 Narratives We’d All Like to Be Excluded From

1.) Being asked to stay late at work on a Friday.

Things I’d rather do than stay late at work:

  • Commit Harikari
  • Listen to a Gwyneth Paltrow podcast
  • Go on a date with Frankie Muniz

2.) Paying off your mountain of student debt.

Twinkies, cockroaches, and student loans are the only things that will survive a nuclear holocaust.

3.) Making eye contact with someone through a bathroom stall.

Okay, I’m gonna go die now BYEEEEEEEEE.

4.) Bumping into someone you drunkenly made out with at the club.

My feelings on this matter can be best explained with a Hoobastank quote: “I’m not a perfect person, there’s many things I wish I didn’t do.”

5.) Getting tagged in an ugly picture on Instagram or Facebook.

“I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS, GRETCHEN!”

6.) Getting invited to a BYOB housewarming party.

Do you also want us to chip in for utilities while we’re at it? Maybe pay your heat bill so your house will be “warm” for your housewarming party?

7.) Getting offered a drink by a nasty dude at the bar.

My time and body are worth more than that $5 draft beer you’re presenting me right now.

8.) Watching your card get declined.

Okay, well I guess I’m eating ramen for every meal until the day I die.

9.) Going to work on Monday after a long weekend of binge drinking.

If Hell is a place on Earth then surely this is it.

10.) Responding to someone’s “Hey, how are you?” with “Hey, how are you?”

Reasons to stay at home.

11.) Getting pulled into the middle of a fight by your feuding friends.

“Don’t drag me into this, I’m pitching tomorrow.”

12.) Receiving a booty call at 3 in the morning.

Fuck off, fukboi!

11.) Waking up at 6am for work.

If the sun isn’t up I shouldn’t be either.

13.) Being part of a never ending group text with people you can’t stand.

SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS!

14.) Seeing the Facebook statuses of Trump supporters.

Can’t you just do us all  a favor and change your status to “I’m a stupid racist piece of shit” instead?

15.) Spilling something on the outfit you just bought.

That’s what I get for trying to feel beautiful.

16.) Waking up with a face full of acne.

Well, I guess I’m just going to have to be ugly today LOL.

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