So you’ve finally decided to make an online dating profile.

Because you’re tired of being alone.

And you want to feel that special kind of love that everyone else seems to have but you.

But really- you just want to get laid.

And find someone who’s willing to take you out to dinner at fancy places like the “Olive Garden”  or “P.F. Chang’s”.

But  it doesn’t help that whenever you try to flirt with a guy he does this:

Or this:

So you just go ahead and make a dating profile to see what will happen.

You upload the prettiest picture of yourself.

And put down a lot of activities you don’t actually do in your interest section to make it seem like you’re a fun person. Like hiking or volunteer work.

And wait for someone to message you.

And wait…


And then someone finally messages you (TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH!)

Except they look like this:

Or their profile looks like this.

So you start to accept the fact that you’re going to die alone.


Someone actually kind of normal messages you!

And they don’t have weird fetishes or birth defects like the other people you’ve been talking to.

Except they live in a different state.

Or you have nothing in common.

So you wait for a new person to message you because you’re clearly too self conscious to message anyone yourself.

And finally the man of your dreams messages you!

He’s hot, you have things in common, and he’s totally local.

So you message back and forth, exchange numbers and then finally decide to go out on a date. Like a real date. Maybe even at the Olive Garden!

And then the night of the date arrives. You meet him at the Olive Garden. It’s a little awkward at first but after a few minutes it’s all good.

So at the end of the night you go your separate ways and he say’s he’ll call you to hang out sometime soon.

But he never calls. Ever.

And you wonder what you did wrong to make him not like you anymore.

So you take initiative and try to contact him in hopes that you can plan a second date.

But he barely responds to your messages.

And then stops responding completely.

So you get the hint and stop trying to message him.

And delete your dating profile and swear off men forever.

Until you become desperate for a boyfriend again… at which point you start the cycle all over again.

Because let’s face it we all want a boyfriend.

And by boyfriend, I mean- sex, Olive Garden, and someone to call us pretty.