What Finding A Job Is Really Like

So the time has  finally come.

Society now sees you as a fully functioning adult.

That means you have to actually get a job and start acting like a real person.

Which is funny because work is for boring, ugly, serious people.

And you’d rather spend your time doing more productive things.  Like this:

However, you know that life is unfair and that you actually have to work.

But before you start working, you need to find a job.

Which means having to use the Internet for things other than Facebook, porn and Buzzfeed

So you start looking at jobs but can’t find any.

Because every job requires a level of experience that you don’t have.

Or asks for skills that you don’t possess.

Or doesn’t pay enough.

Or is too far away.

Or is too boring, or too many hours, or expects you to do something more than just show up every day.

But you apply for jobs anyways because you know you have to.

So you bullshit your way through a sea of cover letters in your attempt to convince an employer that you are applying for their job because you actually want to work for them- and not just because you need money to pay for your Panera Bread addiction.

And you take Nordstrom Rack by storm and buy the most sensible (affordable) work clothes you can find.

But  only one employer actually responds to your application.

It don’t matter though- you go to that one interview ready to show that employer why you’re the best candidate.

And you’re as charming and well spoken as you could possibly be during the interview.

You’re sure they’re going to hire you.

So you wait a week…. and then two…. without hearing a word from the employer.

Finally you decide to call them to follow up on the interview.

Only to learn that the employer decided to go in a “different direction” and hire another candidate.

Which actually means, “We hated you. You don’t have enough experience. Go crawl into a hole and die you insignificant worm”

So you’re pretty bummed.

But don’t fret- it just wasn’t meant to be.

The right job will come along.

Just kidding- enjoy unemployment!