1.) Throw Shade
Throwing shade is basically insulting someone in a clever way, sometimes so clever that the person you are insulting is not even aware of the fact that you are insulting them. Apart from eating and sleeping, it’s the favorite activity of gays. Gays love word play and always like to challenge others to prove that they are the wittiest one in the bunch. And sometimes being a bitch to another person can be extremely therapeutic- as long as the insult is funny and not straight up cruel.
2.) Argue over who the best female pop-star is
If there’s anything gay guys take more seriously than a sale at J Crew, it’s pop music. Gays love to argue over who the best female pop singer is and how much they like you depends greatly on which pop stars you like. I can’t tell you how often I’ve had to take part in the Lady Gaga vs. Madonna debate and how many times I’ve wanted to lunge across a table and bitch slap a hoe for saying that Beyonce is overrated. To put it simply, if we don’t like the same singers, we are pretty much incompatible as friends and I will consider you one of my many nemeses.
3.) Hook Up
It’s common knowledge that men are horny. So it makes sense that gay men are super horny, especially because they don’t have to worry about the same things that straight men do: like getting a girl pregnant and commitment. 80% of the gay men I know have hook up apps on their smartphone and nearly all of them spend their free time trying to find someone to get nasty with. Gays are selective though when it comes to hooking up, they won’t just hook up with anyone. And although a majority of gays are into the hookup culture, there is 20% of the population that isn’t like that. Instead of hooking up they like to spend their time doing more productive things, like eating cookie dough and watching Dance Moms marathons.
4. Talk about how much they hate other gay people
The only thing gays hate more than fluorescent lighting is each other. This isn’t to say that gays can’t be friends- but for the most part gays just don’t get along. No one really knows why they love bitching about each other- some say its because gays are constantly competing against each other for attention- others say its because of self loathing. All I know is if I had to choose between sitting through a Gwyneth Paltrow movie and interacting with a group of gay guys, I’d probably pick Gwyneth Paltrow.
5.) Wear tank tops and booty shorts
Tank tops and booty shorts to gay men are like bandeau tops and miniskirts to girls. They’re the go to gay outfit of the summer. It’s an outfit that makes a statement. That statement being, “I’m not looking for anything in particular, but I’m open to oral”.
6. Act like they’re ghetto
I’m pretty sure I use the word “Gurl” more than any other word in my vocabulary. For some unexplainable reason, gay guys love patting their imaginary weave and threatening to “cut’ people. I blame Bon Qui Qui.
7.) Talk about what it’s like to be gay
Gay guys love to talk about what it was like to come out and explain what makes them different from the majority of the population. Maybe it’s because it brings them special attention, but it’s something they do 24/7. In fact, I’ve had friends actually tell me to shut up because I was talking about being gay too much. You know it’s funny, for a group of people who want to be treated like everyone else, we sure love talking about what makes us different.
8. Watch RuPaul’s Drag Race
To most gay guys, RuPaul’s Drag Race is something more sacred than the Bible. It has everything we’ve come to love: shade throwing, lip syncing, bitch fights and witty banter. Word of advice: if you ever catch yourself in a situation where you are forced to interact with another gay and don’t know what to say, bring up RuPaul’s Drag Race. It’s usually a good conversation starter and if the person you’re talking to doesn’t like the show then at least you know they aren’t worth talking to.
9. Complain about how there’s no good looking gay in the area
I can’t tell you how much I hate when girls say all the good guys are gay. Bitch, that’s so not true. Gay guys are just as terrible as straight men, they just tend to be better dressed. What sucks is that gay people really only make up 10% of the population, so finding a good gay is that much harder. And until the day I find someone I can trick into thinking I am a desirable mate, I will continue to complain about how gay men suck and eat my feelings.
Gays have an extremely unusual high metabolism. They can eat almost anything from an entire pizza to a full order or wings without gaining a pound. Just like their sexual appetite, gays can be voracious and if they aren’t fed every couple of hours you’ll see a side to them you never thought existed.