What Sunday Mornings Are Actually Like

So you made some poor decisions last night. Mostly involving alcohol.

Instead of drinking responsibly and only getting slightly buzzed.

You went all out.

To the point of throwing up and blacking out.

But your friends, being the good people that they are, carried your basic ass home and tucked you into bed.

They even tried to get you to drink water because they didn’t want you to have to deal with a horrible hangover.

But you refused that offer….because you’re a fucker.

And enjoy making terrible decisions.

So the next morning instead of waking up ready to seize the day.

You wake up feeling like you were just thrown off a 20 story building.

And although it’s only 7 am, your body won’t let you fall back asleep because you’re dehydrated. BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T DRINK WATER LAST NIGHT.

And to make matters worse- you discover that you threw up on yourself while you were sleeping.

Which isn’t the most ideal way to start out the day.

So now that you’re  too grossed out to continue sleeping, you try to get out of bed.

But your body’s like “ LOL no” because the second you attempt to stand up you almost vomit.

So you take a few minutes to reevaluate every poor decision you’ve made in the last 24 hours. And think about how much your parents would judge you if they saw you like this.

After your mini life crisis, you finally pull yourself out of bed and make your way to the bathroom.

And you look into the mirror and see what you actually look like.

And at that point you realize that God doesn’t exist.

Because if God really did exist he would have never created a monster as hideous as you.

Your makeup is all over your face, you reek of booze and you look like you styled your hair after the Trolls dolls.

So you brush your teeth

And take a 45 minute shower.

During which you cry over your life decisions and how horrible you feel.

And after you get out of the shower you call your friend to figure out what happened last night.

And they remind you of all the terrible things you did- like vomit in some random kid’s apartment.

Which is awkward because you know you’re going to have to see that kid in class on Monday.

After the phone call, you remember you have a million things to do, like homework and laundry.

And you start getting so overwhelmed you want to cry. In fact you probably do cry.

So you take a moment to collect yourself and accept the fact that you aren’t going to get anything productive done today.

And you crawl into bed to watch “Katy Perry: Part of Me” on Netflix.

Because this is what your life has come to.

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