Some people love Halloween.
I am not one of those people.
People like Halloween because it gives them an opportunity to dress up like a prostitute and eat their weight in Snicker Bars.
And while I appreciate binge eating candy…
There’s nothing I hate more than unoriginal sluts.
I can only imagine how many girls are going to be dressed as cowgirls, Miley Cyrus, or slutty animals.
And how many boys will be dressed as something douchey.
Newsflash men: Wearing a costume that emphasizes how big your penis is only makes it that much clearer how small your penis actually is.
Maybe I hate Halloween because I hate the fall.
Some people think it’s pretty.
I think it’s cold and dark and depressing.
And I think Pumpkin is overrated.
And every time I walk outside at night during October I feel like I’m going to get murdered.
Because Halloween is scary.
And I hate scary things.
I also don’t understand the appeal of spending $80 dollars on an outfit you won’t ever wear again.
Like why would you spend close to a hundred dollars on a slutty Elmo costume?
Girl, you don’t even look like Elmo. You look like you tied a sash around a bathrobe and cut off the head of an Elmo doll and glued it to your weave. Next time you should go as Ammonia, because girl you BASIC.
Halloween also usually involves a lot of walking. And I don’t like movement.
Or socializing with my peers.
But don’t fret. I have a plan that will get us through Halloween.
For starters, go out and buy a big bag of candy. Either get your favorite kind of a mixed bag.
And tell yourself that because it’s a holiday you can eat fifteen thousand calories worth of Reeses.
And pick out a Disney movie.
Because it’s less likely you’ll get murdered if you’re doing something wholesome.
Take a nice, relaxing bubble bath while listening to the musical stylings of Seal.
And after get into the most comfortable (and ugliest) outfit you own. If you own a Snuggie, this is the time to pull it out. We’re in a judgment free zone here.
Turn the volume on your TV all of the way up. So you can drown out the voices of the loud, drunk bitches.
What’s that? I can’t hear you over Pocahontas.
Or just sit on your porch and silently judge all of the people walking by.
Oh, you decided to be a slutty cat for Halloween? How cute.
Ooh you came in like a wrecking ball? Wow, that’s so original.
Or just get really drunk.
And cry about how you don’t understand college life and human interaction.
Because you’re a thirty five year old single woman trapped in a college student’s body.
And then wake up the next morning with a massive hangover, covered in candy wrappers.