If there is anything worse than the Bubonic Plague and Maroon 5 post Songs About Jane it’s the subway.

Some people like the subway because it’s cheaper than a taxi and faster than walking.

Those people are idiots.


The subway is the bane of my existence.

For starters,



People aren’t meant to go underground. The underground is for rats…and mole people. Every time I go down into a subway station I am reminded that despite all of the technological advances we’ve made, we still don’t know what the fuck to do about public transportation. Everything is dirty, wet and smelly. There is garbage everywhere, rats are scurrying across the track and you’re surrounded by people who are furious about the fact that the E train only comes every 40 minutes.

2.) There’s no personal space.

If you’ve tried to get on the subway at rush hour you know it’s about as difficult to get on as it was for people to get off the Titanic. There is pushing and shoving as everyone tries to make their way on. And once you actually get on you usually will find yourself squished between two people with body odor strong enough to kill a small horse.

3.) There’s so much awkward, accidental touching.

This is almost impossible to get around. Either you awkwardly touch someone’s hand because you both reach out for the same spot on the support bar, or someone falls onto you because they lost their balance after the subway made an abrupt spot. And although this kind of thing happens all of the time, it’s something you never get used to.


4.) You’re forced to interact with peasants.

If you’re a college student, chances are you come from a sheltered, middle class background. On campus, you usually don’t have to deal with people that are drastically different from you. The same can’t be said for the subway. On the subway you have to deal with all types of people, from  drunks to the homeless. And you’ll most likely feel very uncomfortable. I once saw a woman sitting on the subway stroking what I believe was a dead mouse. I can’t say that is something I deal with on a daily basis.

5.) So much awkward eye contact.

Every time I’m on the subway I find myself in the same situation. I think I see someone staring at me, so I look back at them, and then they look at me. It’s an incredibly awkward cycle in which neither of us knows exactly who initiated the eye contact first so we both continue to look to see if the other one is staring. There’s also the awkward moments when you look up and make eye contact with someone accidentally. This situation is especially uncomfortable when you make eye contact with a crazy person.

6.) It takes forever.

You know, people say time flies by when you’re having fun. This doesn’t apply to the subway. In fact, every time I ride the subway I feel like I’m trapped in a never ending vortex of hell. The subway makes stops every three seconds and due to maintenance issues you can often find yourself trapped on it for over fifteen minutes without it going anywhere.


7.) The only time you need the subway is when it’s closed.

For some reason the MBTA thinks it’s a good idea to shut down the subway at 12:30 in the morning, despite the fact that this is the time people need to use the subway the most. I  don’t mind walking and taking in my surroundings during the afternoon and early evening because things are relatively safe. I do mind walking through Boston at three in the morning though. Every time I walk through Boston at sketchy times I feel like I’m going to be murdered. That’s why I listen to Hilary Duff on loop- it keeps the panic from setting in.

8.) Or worse, it doesn’t even come.

Because there’s nothing better than standing in a decrepit tunnel that smells like rat piss, surrounded by crazy people only to find out that the train you are looking for is out of service.