So it’s Saturday night and you’re pretty bummed out about having dry sheets for the past week and half.

You start scrolling through your contacts looking for the perfect booty call.

Except every one of your hook ups is busy.

How is it that every man you text is either on vacation, at his sister’s wedding or has made ambiguous plans he simply cannot cancel?

Finally someone gets to back at you.

He’ not your ideal choice but he’s only a two minute walk away.

So you go- because you’re a lazy slut.

Once you meet up, you small talk for a few minutes

Before he brings you back to his bedroom.

 

You go into his room to find one lit Yankee Candle on the windowsill (because nothing says feigned romance quite like an apple cider scented candle and a play list of house music)

You begin with foreplay.

 

After the foreplay, you have sex for all of 12 minutes before one of you climaxes (surprise it was him….)

 

And the second after he climaxes he says “Goodnight”, rolls over and falls asleep.

Which is awkward because you’re still fully awake.

So you try to sleep.

But you can’t because he’s either snoring or taking up the entire bed.

 

Because men are assholes.

 

So you entertain yourself by going through his collection of DVDs

 

And it is at the point when you find out he owns every “Jackass” movie that you realize you just slept with a douchebag.

But c’est la vie, right?

You barely get any sleep between 3:30 when you go to bed and 730 in the morning when the two of you wake up.

And this is when your booty call kindly tells you to get the fuck out of his place (because he has “work”)

 

In fact, he kicks you out before you even get to shower.

So you start your walk of shame home, wearing the same outfit you had on yesterday.

And you look like a cosplay of Cousin It from The Addams Family

And all the soccer moms you walk by silently judge you.

Because soccer moms are the worst.

You run all the way back to your apartment.

And shower.

And during the shower you start to question all of your life choices.

And you ask yourself, “Am I a whore?”

But then you realize you’re just hungry.

So you eat and everything is fine.