The 12 Types of Theater Guys

When you do theater for the majority of your life, you meet a lot of guys. Excuse me, I mean,  an eclectic  array of men.

1. The Musical Theater Nerd

You probably bonded with him over your Rent phase, and you are comfortable practicing audition songs with him.  He will tell you if you sound pitchy or if you are not keeping time in the dance numbers. He is sassy, critical, and has THE jazz hands. It would be best not to fall in love with a musical-theater guy, especially if his favorite one is Wicked, Cats, or Cabaret.

2. The Brooding, Serious Actor

He takes the show, the script, his part, just about everything a little too seriously, yet it pays off because he puts on a stellar performance. He can come off as pretentious and, at times, unapproachable; however, underneath his no-nonsense aura, he is a bit of a softie.

3. Self-Obsessed Leading Man

The director often tells him to “Pull it back” or “You’re upstaging, again!” Unlike the “Serious Actor” who takes the show too seriously, the self-obsessed leading man takes himself too seriously. His overt confidence and “hammy” tendencies are what snags him the biggest parts. He can’t be ignored, and he doesn’t care if you don’t like it.

4. The Makeup & Hair Wizard

The unsung hero of any theater guild. He makes every girl look incredible on and off the stage. He is the reason why you made those stage pictures your Facebook defaults. You will probably end up asking him to do your makeup for prom… and your wedding.

5. The Handsy, Man-Whore

He hooks up with all of the girls in the dressing rooms, and he ain’t sorry. Often cast as the handsome lothario or the blind drunkard. Eventually he will be theater enemy #1, until the a new batch of girls audition the following year. Remember, herpes won’t be curable for a very, very long time.

6. The Peeping Tom

The fucker who hangs outside of the girl’s dressing room or walks really slow by it when the doors are flying open. Usually he’s on crew or a horny freshman, but, then again, most of them can’t help but let their eyes wander.

7. The Underrated, Talented Actor

He’s really good! Stop casting him as Townsperson #4. Always the quiet ones. Before theater ruins his life, appreciate him and give him a gosh darn solo!

8. Your Gay Soulmate

It happens to all of us. It’s sad and life seems incredibly unfair, but it’s a right of passage for all ladies. You will just have to settle for mutual affection.

9.The Aloof Guy Everyone is Obsessed With

He says nothing with emotion and does nothing to stand out, but his vague presence automatically makes him the most interesting person in the group. Truthfully, he is usually bland and painfully boring. So it goes, the obsession with him is more fun than, well, him.

10. The Arrogant Asshole

The one everyone is afraid to cross, and the one we all have spent hours trash talking about in our Ford Focuses and Thai food restaurants. He is the kind of guy to complain about his part, memorize other guy’s lines, and make sure that he is in the front row for bows.

11. Your Best Friend

Hope for the best to find your greatest guy friend through drama. From personal experience, they are sensitive, funny, make the best pop culture references, and their honesty is unrivaled.

12. The Boring Normal One

You honestly forget about him, all the time. You find yourself asking people, “Who is that guy?” And then you find out he is in all of your scenes and you went to his freshmen semi-formal. Oops.

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