1. They make you feel inadequate
There’s nothing more terrible than wasting your hard earned money on something only to find out that it isn’t even wanted. At Yankee Swap Parties, you experience this feeling at least several times throughout the nights as people constantly swap out your gift for a ceramic mug or Snuggie. You have to endure the constant eye rolls that occur whenever someone gets “stuck” with your gift and you can’t help but feel like a shitty person whenever this occurs. Newsflash biddie, I spent $5 on that Mandy Moore album so the least you can do is pretend you like it.
2. Betrayal is everywhere
You never know someone until you go to a Yankee Swap party with them. At these parties, you’re faced with a horribly awkward dilemma: screw over your friend or get what you want. And sure people say that Yankee Swap Parties are lighthearted and that one shouldn’t be offended if someone steals their gift- but we all know that’s bullshit. Bitch, if you take my shot glasses from me I will actually forcefully take them back before smashing them over your head. And betraying someone else feels almost as bad as being betrayed, so either way you lose. Talk about a fun Christmas.
3. Gifts are never of equal value
It’s a fact that at Yankee Swap Parties there are good gifts and there are god awful gifts. This usually occurs when the host fails to set a price limit for gifts or when they make the mistake of inviting a mix of overly excited people and people who only show up for free alcohol. What results is an unbalanced group of gifts. One person brings a pack of pens and another person brings a $50 dollar bottle of wine just to show off the fact that they have enough money to do that. And it’s great if you end up with the good gift, but it sucks when you bring a $15 dollar gift to the party only to end up with a $5 dollar one.
4. They are incredibly long and boring
If you pull #4 in the game and there’s 25 people playing, then expect to spend most of your night sitting in the corner with a shitty gift while watching drunk middle aged women fight over the Yankee Candle. If you get screwed over in Yankee Swap, you’ll most likely be a sore loser which makes hanging around and watching other people win even more unbearable. And if you have one of the last numbers in the game, you have to sit around and watch all the gifts be unwrapped and mentally keep track of who has what gift and what’s been unwrapped already.
5. You either end up throwing out your gift or rewrapping it for another Yankee Swap or holiday party.
Yankee Swap Parties are usually just a waste of money. You spend ten bucks on a stupid gift that no one actually wants and end up with one that either ends up in your attic or in another Yankee Swap. I mean as great as a “pasta boat” sounds in theory, I have no real use for one and it’ll take up space in my apartment if I keep it. So in conclusion, stay inside this holiday season and save your money for the things that matter: alcohol and Ben and Jerry’s.