15 New Years Resolutions All Basic Bitches Should Be Making

1. To include the first “r” when saying the word “frustrated”

2. To make a conscious effort to wear less obviously stained tee shirts when out in public

3. To do face masks more often… and not because they’re good for your skin but because they make you feel like the glamorous %1.

4. To stop including Wet Seal and Juicy Couture in your list of “stores I can shop at”

5. To watch Breaking Bad or promise yourself and the world that you will never watch it.

6. To roll your eyes more often at people who use phrases like “social construct”, “paradigms” and “check your privilege”

7. To use the words “asshat”, “shitdick” or “bitchtits”  (or if you’re a little more PG, “harlot”) on a weekly if not daily basis.

8. To have a little bit more self loathing every day you eat nothing but bread.


9. To do black magic/voodoo more often

10. To have a better skin regime and deal with your acne/gross pores in a more constructive way… and if over the counter medications and creams don’t work, you can always just have someone throw acid in your face.

11. To be wine drunk more often ( I can’t say every day because apparently that implies alcoholism)

12. To learn how to use the word “ironic” correctly.

13. To better avoid running into people you know and hate in public.

14. To stand up for your belief that Christina Aguilera is a plague on humanity more often.

15. To spend less nights blackout on the floor covered in someone else’s throw up.

 

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